‘You’re doing great.’ I walked in and he jumped a little. Hehadn’tbeen talking to me, which was a relief because it meant he hadn’t been aware of my miniature crisis…but also a little sad. He seemed to find it so hard to show any kind of vulnerability; the only person he could ask a question like that to was a baby who couldn’t give him an answer back.
Part of me had wondered if that was because of his profession, where everyone had to appear so confident and infinitely capable, but now I knew what had happened with his family, I wondered if it was more to do with how young he’d been when he’d lost his father figure –figuresin fact. First his real dad had walked, then his stepdad died, and now he’d lost his mom too, it was no wonder he’d retreated into this role of being in charge and looking after everyone else. And he didn’t see it at all. He thought of himself as a man holding himself back to protect others from his genetic predisposition to be a jerk.
What an idiot. A goddamned adorable idiot.
I smiled and allowed myself closer. ‘She’s not crying, is she? I mean if she cries that still doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong but the fact that she’s not definitely means she’s comfortable. She’d tell you about it otherwise.’
‘Okay.’
‘You can relax. You’re not going to drop her. Unclench your muscles.’
‘Are you checking out my physique again?’ He flicked a quick glance at me, a hint of that devilish smile playing over his lips.
‘Only because you look like you’ve got rigor mortis.’
‘Ever the flatterer, Noelle.’
‘I consider it my life’s mission to prevent male egos from reaching an insufferable scale.’
He relaxed his shoulders and shifted his arms a bit, brushing mine. I hadn’t realised I’d moved over so close and reached out to stroke the soft fuzz on Brigid’s head as though that was the reason, rather than this subconscious pull I had to be near him.
‘You do have a lot of brothers to keep in line. I suppose you’ll have a lot of these too.’ He gave her a little rock, to indicate that he meant the baby.
A lump formed in my throat. ‘Unlikely.’
‘You don’t think your other siblings will have many kids?’
‘Oh, you meant nieces and nephews. I thought you…’ I trailed away awkwardly.
‘You thought I meant you? And you don’t think you’re going to have kids? You don’t want to?’
‘I don’t…’ I chewed my lip, ready to deflect him. To fob off the conversation like I did earlier, but he’d been so honest with me. Telling me about the shame he felt because of his lousy father walking out on him – I knew that was no small admission on his part. If we were really going to try to be friends, we should be able to talk about this sort of thing, shouldn’t we? ‘I don’t think I’m ever going to find the right person to have kids with.’
‘Why? I’m not trying to wind you up. I just don’t get why your family are all so obsessed with your love life. If I had a pound for every time someone has called me Type A today.’
‘I’ve not had much luck with dating, that’s all.’ I pressed my lips together and looked at him. He was like that famous poster, all handsome and paternal too, designed to detonate ovaries. It didn’t seem fair to be talking about these kinds of dreams while he was looking like that. ‘I’d love to have kids, but I want them with the support of a mythological man, who’ll understand that writing is my vocation, and as important as his work, and that we’d need to take care of the child-rearing duties fifty-fifty.’
‘That doesn’t sound so mythological.’
‘No. It doesn’t. It should be the norm shouldn’t it? But it’s not. I’ve cohabited with two men – briefly – and both of them thought that working from home meant I was available to pick up all the chores and run errands for them. You look at most families you know, and you’ll see how the division of family labour falls. It’s not equal in the majority of cases despite women working just as hard at their jobs.’ I sighed. ‘I want to be a mom, but I don’t want to be wholly responsible, trying to look after a kid, and write, and inevitably fail at one of them because it’s too much, y’know? I need to write, and I’ve worked so hard to reach this point in my career. So, I’m just…letting that take priority at the moment.’
His dark eyes flickered over my face, intense and sincere when he said, ‘Maybe you’re right to be so careful then. I’m sure my mum wished she had been before getting involved with my father and ending up a single parent. I hope the male population doesn’t let you down when you do get back out there. It’d be a shame not to have a bunch of little Noelles running around terrorising everyone one day.’
‘Plenty of nieces and nephews though. You were right there.’
‘Yeah.’ He was swaying a little now and Brigid’s eyes were closing. He was getting it. He was a natural. ‘I suppose I might get a couple soon enough myself.’
I blinked. ‘Do you know something you’re not telling me about Beth and Nick?’
‘Like what?’ He attempted to look perplexed.
‘Is she…?’
‘No. Not that I know of anyway…although it might explain the rush—’ He cut off and pressed his lips together.
‘Oh my God. He’s going to propose, isn’t he?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘If I say nothing, you’re never going to stop trying to find out are you?’
