I turned the volume down on my music and checked out some of the other messages I’d received, scrolling through while I figured out where to start. And then one caught my eye and I bit my lip.
Dad: I have a current address for Trevor
Moorcroft.
Chapter Thirteen
‘I’m not sure about this,’ I found myself saying as we walked down the road in North Hills. It was a quiet neighbourhood. The houses were small and close together, with square yards where the grass out the front was withering away in the heat. The mailboxes were wooden and painted white, though some were peeling and others glossy. Kids were playing in the road, rolling along on skateboards and trying to execute jumps over an old tyre.
‘You’re not?’ Noelle stopped and turned to me. We were under the shade of a tree and the light danced over her face in diamonds. A little line showed between her eyebrows as she looked at me, but there was no judgement or shock in her face. It was almost as though she’d expected this. She probably had.
When she’d called me the night before to tell me her dad had tracked Trevor down, I had surprised myself with my lack of reaction. We’d discussed the logistics of when I was going to go there, and where exactly the address was. Noelle offered to come with me because it was a suburb a couple of hours out from the city and I’d agreed.
But now we were here, and I had a horrible feeling what I’d taken for being calm and collected, was actually shock that it was finally going to happen. It should have been obvious. What else could make the state of intense anticipation I’d been in all Friday at the thought of seeing Noelle again evaporate to the point where I suggested we both needed to catch up on our sleep and I’d pick her up from her apartment the next day? We needed oursleep? Something had clearly been wrong with me.
‘Perhaps I shouldn’t just turn up like this. He must be nearly sixty. I think.’ God, I didn’t even know exactly how old my own father was. I supposed I could find out shortly if I asked. But there were other questions I needed answers to more. ‘What if he has a heart attack?’
‘You’re not that shocking you know.’ She smiled and nudged me playfully on the arm. ‘Some people would even say you’re pleasant to look at.’
‘Hmm…’ I tried to smile back but everything inside me was clenched. I had a horrible feeling she was going to see me when that little box burst open inside me. I didn’t know what was in it. I doubted it would be pretty.
‘Okay.’ Noelle’s face became serious again. She took hold of both of my hands, squeezing them hard enough to bring my focus back onto her again. ‘I’m gonna straight-talk you now: you don’t have to do this.’
‘What? Of course I do. My mum wanted to leave him something and we’ve done all this work.’
‘So what?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘So what if your mom left him something? You can leave it to the lawyers now or, y’know, fuck him? Does he really deserve that money? I think we both know the answer to that. And as for the legwork we’ve done, it wasn’t time wasted if you change your mind now, okay? We’ve been on an adventure around New York, it’s been fun and if it gave you the time to realise youcanactually live the rest of your life without seeing him, then it was worth it.’
I looked down at our interlinked hands, mine large and tanned, hers pale and small but a damn sight steadier and I felt a deep tug in my chest. Wehadenjoyed ourselves but as for figuring out what this summer had taught me about what I could and couldn’t live without, I had no clue. All the lines around things had become blurry.
‘You’re right. I don’t think he deserves the money. But I want to figure out why Mum left it to him. She didn’t have anything good to say about him. It annoys the hell out of me. I need an answer about it. And about what’s in the envelope.’
‘Okay. Well. I totally get needing to scratch the itch. But are you ready today? Do you need more time? Would you prefer to wait until Nick comes out and he can go with you rather than me?’
I pressed my lips together hard. Was I ready? Would I ever be ready? No. Probably not, but I was going to do it anyway.
And however badly it went when I saw Trevor, Noelle was not a permanent fixture in my life, so she was the better option for moral support than Nick. Whatever he saw would never disappear from between us. If it scared Noelle off, or I couldn’t bear the reminder each time I was around her, well, it was only bringing the inevitable forward by a few weeks. Eventually, she was going to come her senses about wasting time on me.
She stepped closer and let go of my hands so she could wrap her arms around my waist and hug me close. I already felt weak; the way she hugged me made me feel like everything was rushing to the surface but also that it was okay. I think she would have stayed there for as long as I needed; as the sun set and the kids went in for dinner.
‘You don’t have to do this on your own,’ she whispered as she pressed her head against my chest. I put my arms around her too. She felt so good there. My body got busy sending reminders to my brain about how well we fit together, and I had to kiss the top of her head and detach myself before I suggested we leave this place and find somewhere more private.
I took a deep breath. ‘Right, let’s do this.’
She moved back and offered me her hand again.
We walked along the block, seven more houses and then we came to it. A house that looked like all the others, with 127 on the mailbox. There was a hose unfurled in the front yard and the grass was damp and letting off that fresh smell of childhood. A mug was on the post of the stoop. Someone had been outside, seeing to the garden. Maybe even out there while Noelle and I were hugging just a little further down the road.
We were walking up the path when the screen door creaked open and a man came out. He was tall but slouched with rounded shoulders. His hair was mottled salt and pepper, but you could see it had been dark once and after an initial moment of shock when he noticed us approaching his house, he offered a smile that hit me in the gut. I recognised that smile. It wasmysmile. On this strange man. My smile reserved for when I wanted to present a friendly exterior but was also on alert.
‘Hallo. Can I help you?’ He moved down the steps slowly and stopped at the bottom, not coming any closer. His accent was strange. I could hear the English, but it was mixed in with American twangs too.
I couldn’t speak. My throat had closed up. Noelle tugged my hand and I followed her automatically as she moved along the path.
‘We’re looking for Trevor,’ she said. As though there could be any mistaking him.
