I grimaced but took it, trying to push away the memory of Noelle insisting I ate junk food as well because it was an ‘experience’ and ‘fun’. ‘Fine, let’s find somewhere to sit to eat though, otherwise I’m going to have to go back to work with mustard all down my shirt.’
We found a small paved sitting area down a side road outside an office building and grabbed a free bench. I took a mouthful of hot dog, wondering what had got into him. I loved him but he could be such a moody git sometimes.
‘So, are you going to tell me about it?’
‘About what?’ I said, my voice sticky. The hot dog was simultaneously tangy and salty, the bun clinging to the brine of the dog and making it a mouthful to chew.
‘About what’s happened with you and Noelle. I’ve been holding off asking because you’ve obviously been avoiding the subject and you’ve got enough on your plate but…it’s no good. We’ve got to talk about this before I go back home.’
I licked ketchup off my thumb and debated playing dumb, but he probably knew everything from Beth if Noelle had spoken to her. The temptation to find out how she was through them was nearly crippling. ‘I shouldn’t have got involved with her. I made a mistake. I’ve got no excuse.’
‘You treated her badly?’
I sighed. ‘That’s for her to answer rather than me. I don’t think I did. You know I don’t cheat on women. I never lied to her – no more than I lied to myself anyway. My mistake was entertaining the idea that anything could come of it at all.’
‘You led her on?’ He frowned.
‘No. We both knew it would end sooner or later.’ God, it was so easy to say the words as though they didn’t pain me.
Nick lowered his hot dog and looked at me closely. He’d always had this way of looking utterly guileless that I’d envied. Even when I was being honest somehow I was managing to treat people badly. We were wired so differently. ‘This was different for you though, to the other relationships you’ve had?’
I concentrated my attention on the hot dog, as though trying to find the best angle to take a bite. It had been different. To me. But… ‘Not technically.’
‘Why?’
‘We want different things. That’s the normal reason isn’t it? She wants to find a long-term partner and I can’t be that.’
‘Butwhy? Why couldn’t you be her long-term partner? Potentially? Why do you know for certain you’ll never have someone to offer Mum’s ring to? I always figured you never found anyone who mattered enough to make you find the space for them in your life, but it’s not that is it? You give up before you’ve even started like it’s inevitable and I don’t understand.’
Anger and frustration bubbled up inside me. ‘I’m exactly like my dad, Nick. I’m like a carbon copy of him at this age. I look like him; I act like him. Maybe you don’t see it because you’re my brother and you love me, but I’m not built for relationships. If I get involved with someone, they’re going to end up hurt and hating me. I can’t risk walking out on a child the way he did.Twice.At some point, whatever feelings I have, I’d end up doing it because I couldn’t take the responsibility. It’s not happening. I won’t do it.’
‘That’swhat you think of yourself? That you wouldn’t be a good husband or father because your dad wasn’t?’ Nick nudged his glasses back up his nose using his knuckle. ‘That’s such utter bullshit, Stephen. You’ve always been responsible and looked after us. You grew up too quick and were Mum’s rock, even as a teenager. You’re loyal and protective to a fault. Literally, to a fault because we all know the crap you pulled at Christmas was because you were worried for me. Responsibility doesn’t scare you, not even slightly, so what in the world makes you think you would walk out on a wife and child if you were to have a family?’
I opened my mouth to object, but I couldn’t find anything I could actually argue with. He wasn’t even done.
‘You need to do us all a massive favour, Stephen, and stop being a moron. Take a long hard look at yourself. D’you know the reason I haven’t asked you what you’re going to do about your sister?’
I shook my head mutely because I was sure he was going to tell me.
‘Because I know you’re going to contact her. She’s your blood and you’re going to need to know she’s okay. I’m right, aren’t I?’
‘Maybe.’ I dumped the rest of my hot dog in the bin next to me and stood up.
‘Don’t walk off in a huff—’
‘I’m not. I’ve got to get back to work,’ I protested.
He stood up and looked me dead in the eye. I missed the days when he was a lot shorter than me. ‘I’m just telling you this because I can’t stand watching you treat yourself like this anymore. You’re punishing yourself for something that isn’t even true. Keep the ring, Stephen. I’ll find something for Beth that suits her, and you should try to find someone worthy of that ring, someone who can see you’re a good man—’ he grinned ‘—even though you act like a prick sometimes.’
‘You’re an annoying little snot, Nicholas,’ I told him with a laugh.
‘I’m only annoying because I’m right.’
I grimaced and rubbed the back of my neck. It was sticky from the heat of the sun beating down on us. Even if he was right. Even if I tried my best to believe him, what did it matter? It was too late with Noelle. She’d ticked the boxes marked “waste of time” and “commitment-phobic” and “man who will use and hurt me” and then watched me walk out and prove her right.
Every summer there is a production of a Shakespeare play at the amphitheatre in Central Park. What’s so wonderful about it, is that’s it’s free and for a large family that means that if you’re willing to queue for the first-come-first-serve tickets you’ll get a rare opportunity to enjoy some live theatre all together. The whole Kingston clan – barring Quinn who was going to look after little Brigid this time around – were going as usual and Tim had asked if I wanted to go to Wafels & Dinges in the East Village for some brunch beforehand.
Since food was definitely the best way to make myself feel better, I agreed and ordered the De Verdekke for optimum comfort food bingeing, alongside a chocolate sundae. We squeezed into a table at the end of slated bench inside the little café and I attacked my food. If I ate nothing but chocolate, ice-cream and chips for the next couple of weeks, not only would I enjoy it, but I also knew Stephen would have highly disapproved.
