‘You’re not crying. And I never cry at films.’ She looked so put out about it that he had to laugh. She shook her head and took a deep breath. ‘Maybe I was just overdue a cry. I’m feeling sorry for myself because my mum has bailed on Christmas. Again.’
‘Oh.’
‘I mean she hasn’t said so yet. Only delayed it, like I told you the other day. But I still haven’t even heard from her after…’ she paused and lowered her voice ‘…after trying to call her when Nan had her fall. I don’t know why I never seem to learn. Iknowthis will happen. Each time. I’m ready for it – and yet it still kicks me in the teeth. I can’t help hoping you know.’ She got up and grabbed a tissue from the box on the mantelpiece. ‘There are just some patterns that won’t quit. How do I stop hoping?’
Olivier frowned. It felt like his heart had just had a skewer pushed through it. ‘Do you really want to stop hoping?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. Is there any other way to stop being disappointed when what you want doesn’t happen? If there is, I haven’t figured it out… It’s stupid that I get so upset anyway. In truth, I barely know the woman.’ She collapsed back onto the sofa heavily, making Simon shift and grumble in his sleep. ‘She’s my mum but how much have I even seen her over the years? A couple of visits a year when I was a teenager, even fewer now I’m older. A few phone calls in between. And watching her on that stupid television show that she cares about more than me.’
‘I’m sure that’s not—’
‘Don’t, Olivier.’ She screwed up the tissue and raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Don’t try to make me feel better by telling a lie. You know she can’t care for me when she dumped me here and pushed me to the edge of her life.’
Olivier pressed his lips together. Had he been about to lie to her? He wasn’t sure he had. Expressing a desire not to think the worst wasn’t lying, was it?
‘I don’t know that though, Ashleigh. I haven’t seen my maman much more than you have seen yours since I was a teenager. She moved for her career too. We are both busy and don’t get many opportunities to speak…but I don’t think she cares more for her business than me.’
‘You’re such an optimist, Oli. Ever willing to believe the best about people. I admire it but sometimes it can come across that you’re burying your head in the sand.’
He straightened his back and tilted his head as he looked at her. That remark rubbed at him, because wasn’t that what had happened with his marriage? Ignorance had been bliss, until it wasn’t. But that didn’t apply to his relationship with his maman. Perhaps he had been guilty of not understanding the truth of the relationship between his parents – for wishing it was something that it wasn’t – but heknewhis maman loved him. ‘Are you trying to tell me that my mamandoesn’tcare enough for me? And I’m just an idiot for not realising it?’
She reached across and touched his wrist. ‘No. I didn’t mean that. You two have a totally different relationship. Your mum is very different to mine.’ She shook her head. ‘And she didn’t fob you off on someone else. You stayed with your dad didn’t you?’
He nodded slowly. ‘That’s true.’ Itwasdifferent. Both Ashleigh’s parents had left her, whereas his biggest concern had been his parents fighting over him. It was no wonder her nan had been warning him not to lead her on.
It wasn’t that he imagined he would break her heart if they tried a long-distance relationship and it didn’t work, but he would be another name to add to the list of people who left. Could he risk doing that to her when he cared for her so much?
‘It’s late. I should probably go.’ He eased himself out from underneath Simon and stood up. ‘You have work tomorrow don’t you?’
‘Oh. Yes. Sure.’ Ashleigh jumped to her feet and saw him to the door. ‘And a hen do in the evening. If Nan is well enough for me to go.’
‘I’ll stay here with her if you need me to.’
‘Thank you.’ She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tight.
He wanted to kiss her so much it was an ache burning in the pit of his stomach. But he forced himself to pull away. Now wasn’t the right time. Not with him questioning himself this way.
He said goodnight and went back to his maman’s, trying to ignore the little voice that whispered that maybe it would never be the right time for them.
