“Are we breaking up?” I ask, even though I already know the answer to that question.
But Georgia doesn’t respond. At least not right away. She inhales deeply and looks out over the river once again.
I don’t interrupt her thoughts. This is all my fault. Whatever she’s feeling now is because I’ve been a selfish cunt. The bare minimum I can do to atone for my guilt is let her say whatever she needs to say without me trying to defend myself.
Because I have no defence. The earful I’m about to get, I deserve. Every ounce of fury, every swear, every name call. I’m only thankful she chose somewhere public and quiet.
“This has been going on the entire time? Since we got together? Over a year?” she asks.
I nod. No point in lying or trying to deny anything now. I’ve ruined everything. Our relationship, Eggo’s relationship, potentially Georgia’s friendship with Megan, my arrangement with Eggo, maybe even our friendship too. Maybe I’ll need to leave Bath and play for a different team. Maybe I’ve fucked up the squad dynamics so irrevocably that we lose our spot in the premiership.
She mirrors my nod. She already knows, though I’m not sure how, and waits an age before she asks, “Why?”
I don’t have an answer ready for her. It’s so un-me. Usually I’m drowning in thoughts and reasons and justifications, but I’ve spent the past year reflecting on Eggo and me and why I did what I did, and I’ve got no decent arguments to offer her. No real reason why.
Georgia spreads her fingers out over the tabletop and stares down at them. Her nails are blood red today, and the paint goes all the way to her cuticles. She must have had them done recently.
“If you . . .” She pauses, closes her eyes, and opens them again to look right at me. “If you had to choose between him and me, who would you pick?”
“You.” It’s the truth. The tension eases a little in her shoulders. “But after all the lies I’ve subjected you to, you deserve full honesty. I’ve always actively chosen you.” I suck in a deep breath to gather my thoughts. “I don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t said to myself, ‘Okay, Aiden, today is the day we break it off with Eggo.’ Like . . . I’ve arranged to meet up with him and end things so many times, but every single time it doesn’t go to plan. I just wind up—”
“Sucking his cock?”
Wow, I really amthatguy. “Yes.”
She drums her fingertips lightly against the metal table and looks away. There are swans on the river now. She’s looking at them, but I don’t think she sees them. “Do you regret it? Do you regret us?”
“No. I don’t regret us.” Full honesty remember, Pi, you owe her complete transparency. “I also don’t regret anything Eggs and I did. I only regret that you got hurt. I love you, but I’ve been a cunt. If I could go back in time, I would’ve done things differently.”
“You would never have started a relationship with me,” she says.
I can’t tell if it’s a question, but I nod regardless.
She closes her eyes and angles her head away from me. “Do you love him?”
“I can’t love him,” is my stilted reply.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“We don’t . . . It’s not . . .” I scrape a hand down my face. I don’t know how to answer her question because I’m not sure thereisan answer. I’ve never let myself think beyond our immediate friends-with-benefits arrangement. Circumstances being whatthey were never allowed for there to be a future for Eggo and me, so I had never imagined one.
We are, first of all, teammates. Then we are friends. Then lovers. But we can’t be a true couple, and we will never be in love with each other. Maybe in an alternate universe we could be together, but I can’t go letting myself get caught up in those daydreams again.
Georgia watches me, and I swear her expression shifts. The hardness seems to melt into something much sadder. Her lip does that wobbly thing it does just before she’s about to cry. She pats a knuckle under her eyes.
“Why the fuck I didn’t wear waterproof mascara today, I’ve got no idea.”
“I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m officially ‘one of those’ guys, and I wish I hadn’t dragged you into my mess.” I’m not sure what else to say or do to atone. Or if I can ever atone. I’ll carry this guilt and shame with me for the rest of my days.
“I’ll be honest with you, Aiden. I love you, but I never expected this relationship between us to be a forever thing.” She places her hand on top of mine. It’s cold. “Some people will meet the love of their life at eighteen, get married and have babies by twenty, and live happily ever after, but . . . I’m too young for that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had loads of fun with you and I’ve loved being with you, it’s just that even if I didn’t know you were fucking my best friend’s boyfriend behind my back, we wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”
I get the sense that these words are Georgia’s way of making herself feel better about how badly I wronged her. That this is her coping.
“My head’s telling me to run so fucking far away from you, but my heart . . .” Her expression crumples and tears track down both cheeks. She drops my hand to dry her face. I pass hera napkin from the silver tray. “My heart’s saying you’re a big, stupid, selfish fucking pig.”
I simply nod along. “I am.”
“Fucking hell, Aiden. You’re impossible. I wish you were a horrible guy. I wish you were like some red pill guzzling misogynist. No, I don’t. But it would make hating you a lot easier. I’m just . . . I’m fucking annoyed with myself because I want to hate you. I want you to say dumb shit like it was all my fault or that you’re just an idiot fucking man who can’t help himself, so that I can storm out. I want to storm out. But . . . I don’t. Agh!”
