"I caught it. Not in time though. It still landed."
"Noticing it and it staying with you can both be true." She adjusts her glasses. "What did you do after you saw the picture?"
"Put the phone down. Sat with it. Texted you. Went to bed."
"Two weeks ago, what would you have done with that picture?"
I think about it. Two weeks ago is the version of me who would have opened the picture again and again until the other voice was the only voice in the room.
"Kept looking at it," I say. "Stayed up. Let it run."
"And last night?"
"I put the phone down. I asked for a session."
"You recognized you could use some extra support and asked for it. How did that feel?"
"Bad. And correct."
I get the Gwen smile, which is more of a shift in the glasses. "Bad and correct. I like that."
"Don't write it down."
"I'm absolutely writing it down."
The laugh comes out before I can stop it. It is small and rough and surprises me.
"Luca. The picture of the restaurant and your friends," she leans forward. "What's the story your telling yourself?"
"That I'm replaceable. That the life in Miami kept going and I was the part that could be removed without anything changing."
"And what's the fact-based version?"
"That they're having dinner. That Wes has friends and those friends are having dinner and I'm not there because I live in Atlanta and that's…That's geography. Not replacement."
"Can you say that again?"
"It's geography. Not replacement."
"How does that feel to say?"
"Like I believe it about sixty percent."
"Sixty is more than zero."
"Sixty is not enough."
"Sixty is where you are today. You don't have to be at a hundred today." She sits back. "I want you to notice what you did last night. The picture hit you. But you were able to notice the negative thinking. Not as the truth. Not as your own thinking. That distinction is the work, Luca. That is exactly the work."
I don't say anything. My hands are on my knees and the laptop screen holds her face.
"Still good for Thursday?" she says.
"Yeah, Thursday."
"Call me if you need to before then. That's what the number is for."
"Okay."
