Will they come out again? Probably. But each time I’ll take away some of their power until they have none left.
IX Milk
Arvi
Caliane is exhausted by the time evening comes, her strength all but sucked dry. Tonight we all assist at the kids’ bedtime. Nisha has trouble falling asleep, and I and Khay take turns singing lullabies after Magnar overexplains that Idrina is well and no, she won’t drop dead from sadness because her brooch was gone for a few days.
For all we know, she might be fondling the thing under the covers as we speak. Maybe getting frisky. I don’t say it out loud.
I am angry with her, because she made Caliane suffer. It wasn’t deliberate, but still Idrina should take heed sometimes. Also, how could she not say she told Nisha about the brooch?
After he talked to her, Magnar explained to us in hushed words that Idrina didn’t think Nisha was tall enough to reach the box, so she didn’t bother telling us the only person who knew about the blasted mourning jewels was the four-year-old girl. Who, of course, can climb furniture like a cat.
By the time the kids fall asleep, Caliane sways on her feet, which is just as well. Both Khay and Raduna are still going strong after their fuck sessions with our queen, and Magnar seems preoccupied. Caliane shall sleep undisturbed.
As for me, I’ve done a lot of thinking.
For one, I watch myself with Nisha and Sam, dissecting every interaction after it happens. I search for traces of my father in me and so far, I found one. When Nisha ran too close to the shooting range, I dove after her and pulled her back by the hair, the only part I could reach in time. Alda had just loosed an arrow, and it likely wouldn’t have hit Nisha, but I didn’t think at that moment, I just acted.
Of course, I scared her and made her hurt, but after the first few seconds of terror and shock, she clung to me for comfort, and I apologized profusely. Khay, who was there, praised me for fast reflexes and said nothing about the hair pulling.
Would he have said something, though, if I acted like my father? Khay is carefree and not too judgmental. So I asked Raduna after that, and he said I did the right thing.
I toss and turn in bed. Caliane is safe and sound between Khay and Raduna, and I’ve rolled far away on the enormous bed so as not to wake anyone with my fidgeting. Magnar lies on his back, snoring lightly, and I stare through the window at the two moons roaming the clear sky.
I pulled Nisha’s hair, and it made me afraid I’m like my father, but the truth is, he never physically hurt me. He always used a proxy.
And it’s not like I did it to cause her pain or make her stronger, or any other bullshit he used as an excuse. It’s stupid. Nisha forgave me, but the feel of her hair in my fist haunts me. What if it’s a sign?
But if I go looking for signs, I’ll find them, I know. That way lies madness.
Caliane stirs, sniffing cutely, and crawls out of bed. I listen to the sounds of her relieving herself in the bathroom, then the splash of water as she washes her hands, and sigh. I want to have a child with her. I want—I want my bloodline to be cleansed of misery and fear. I want to pass down what I have best, and keep in the past everything that’s screwed up.
When she comes back, she doesn’t get in bed but stops by the window, hugging herself. I lie still, pretending to be asleep. Caliane presses her forehead to the colored windowpane. She releases a single muffled sob.
I’m out of bed before my mind makes a conscious decision to act. She startles when I put my arms around her but relaxes instantly, melting into my embrace. We stand together, facing the window, and I don’t know what my queen is thinking. When I look down, all I see is the top of her head and the silhouette of her nose.
“I’m sorry I woke you,” she whispers after a moment.
“You didn’t. I can’t sleep.”
She hums, and I hesitate, but Caliane and I don’t have secrets, do we? And so I tell her about my anguish.
“And she said it really hurt, Caliane. Am I… am I turning into him?”
My whisper cuts the cool air, urgent and supplicating, like she’s my goddess who releases me from guilt.
She turns, and I drop to my knees at once so we can look at each other without straining our necks. My queen smiles softly as she strokes the side of my head, a bit raspy with the day’s growth. I’ll shave it smooth tomorrow morning, like I do every day.
“You kept her safe. And she never once mentioned any of that, so I think she understood what happened and forgot the painful but necessary part of it. I think you’re looking too hard for proof that you are like him, Arvi, and it makes you biased.”
I snort. “You know, I just thought something similar. But how will I know? How… I am not objective.”
“Maybe make a commitment to believe us next time,” she says, shaking her head with a smile. “Both Khay and Raduna told you it’s fine. If you can’t trust yourself, at least trust them. But Arvi, you are a wonderful father and you have years of experience already. Nish and Sam adore you, and it won’t be any different with your baby, I promise.”
I feel relieved, though the mess in my chest doesn’t get any less complicated. Then again, it probably won’t go away any time soon. Just look at Caliane still suffering from her father’s touch, even though she’s so far past this.
“What’s the way through?” I ask, even though I think I know the answer.
