“No. Wait.”
I cover my eyes with my forearm, thinking about deadlarunasfloating belly up in the pond, their brilliant, ruby scales growing matte after death. My erection deflates somewhat, and I can think, though barely.
“Did you also plan for me to be the father of your next baby?” I ask, the question coming out with an edge.
She sighs, taking my free hand. She kisses my knuckles. “I did.”
I look at her, expecting pity, but my queen stands tall, her eyes kind, mouth flat with determination. I’m grateful. It would be so humiliating to be pitied.
“Why?”
“Because I saw the way you looked at Nisha and then Sameel. And then—every time Raduna cradled Sameel in his arms, you had that look. Not exactly jealous.Coveting.”
I wince. “Am I that obvious?”
“Only to me. I haven’t spoken about this to anyone. It’s yours to tell, whatever it is.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” I shrug, because there really isn’t.
Her eyes narrow. “I thought we promised to always be honest with each other.”
She straightens as tall as she can and jabs my chest with her finger. It’s useless, though—I tower above her like always, and we both know it. She doesn’t give up.
“Or should I put you over my knee?” she asks, raising her eyebrow.
That’smyline. I can’t help it—I burst out laughing. “I donotsound like that! So—so haughty. Come on,laruna.You don’t have what it takes to threaten me like that.”
She glowers, her angry frown casting her eyes in shadow. “I do have what it takes. I’ll spank you and then introduce you to my practice toy. You like a finger in there—why not more?”
I inhale sharply. Oh, naughty Caliane. I sometimes forget how far she’s come: the once innocent, blushing virgin grew into a formidable queen who keeps her four men leashed around her pinkie.
I toy with the idea of allowing it to happen. I’d enjoy the punishment, not only because it would be so cute to see her struggle, but also because it sounds sexy as hell. I’ve spanked Caliane a few times in the past when she needed relief. It’s only fair to let her return the favor.
But right now it’s more important to keep my word and be honest, so I do my best to explain.
“There really isn’t much to tell,” I say, dropping down to my knees so we’re face to face. “I don’t have a bad story about it, like the one about my poor fish or my father dragging me behind his horse by my hair.”
I stroke my bald head as I say it. It’s a reflex—I have to remind myself there is no hair for me to be dragged by ever again. Maybe one day I’ll let it grow out, but right now, the smooth skin of my scalp is a much needed comfort.
“There issomething,” Caliane says stubbornly.
“Lots of small things,” I admit. “Look. You know how I get overwhelmed sometimes, having to do my breathing exercises to calm down. If I have a child and they inherit that weakness, I’d hate myself. Or another thing: if I have a son, and he takes after me. Being this big isnota blessing.”
I gesture at my crotch and Caliane sighs.
“Oh, Arvi. You’re perfect. I love you, and if I have a son who isjust like you, I’ll love him as well. And you will, too. You will learn to love yourself more by loving him. Or her. Just like I did with Nisha and then Sameel.”
“But what if my child’s unhappy?” I ask, my voice suddenly hoarse. “What if… What if they hate to have a dad like me? What if I become—like my father?”
My guts grow cold, and I realize this is the true reason behind my reluctance. I desperately want to be a dad. And yet, I can’t risk becoming a monster like my father.
Caliane’s eyes brim with warmth and understanding, and still no pity. I expect her to reassure me, making meaningless promises that I’m good and kind and all sorts of bullshit, but she surprises me with something else.
“You won’t. Do you know why? Because we won’t let you. Arvi, think about it—if your father had Magnar, Khay, and Raduna by his side, would he have done the things he did? Just imagine it for a second.”
I can only gape, her words penetrating somewhere deep into a place I never expected to reach. The answer is obvious, and it fizzes in my chest like the headiest relief. She frames my cheeks with her palms and gives me a soft, sweet kiss.
“See? You can be a dad. It will be all right.”
