He wanted to curse his grandfather, but now he knew what broke him. It probably was his own fault—no one forced him to launder money—but Zach wanted to hear his side of it before he cursed the only family he knew.
“I’m sorry,” Colton said.
Zach realized he’d never responded after Colton shared things about himself. “For what? I’m the one lost in his head. Sound like quite a family you have. You’re lucky.”
“Here I am rattling on about family, and you just lost your last bit.”
Colton held his hands out slightly, and Zach told his conscience to fuck off for an hour. He stepped closer and accepted another hug that he needed more than air.
“Don’t be. I love hearing all about them.” He closed his eyes and imagined it was real. That they were a them. “Something tells me I have more family somewhere. Not siblings or anything, but I’m going to ask Mr. Lee to find them for me.”
“Yeah?” Colton sounded more excited about it than Zach. “Good on you. That’s a great idea.”
He burrowed in a little tighter. “Is this okay? I feel like I’m making you break the rules by asking for hugs all the time.”
“Whatever for? Shit, you know I—well, Ihopeyou know—I care about you. You need a hug, I have them to give.” Colton gave him a warm grin. “And if I happen to spring wood, you won’t think badly of me. I’m trying not to, but it’s hard.”
Colton kept a straight face for about as long as Zach did, then they were laughing. It wasn’t that funny, but it released a lot of tension they’d bottled up the last few days. There hadn’t been many times he could be so loud. Someone was always listening and judging. With Colton he could be alive. “If you didn’t notice me, I didn’t notice you.”
Colton kept smiling at him. “Well, I might have noticed something. But officially, I have to deny any and all knowledge of such a thing.
If the world didn’t hate Zach, they’d be allowed to kiss right then. “Will I ever be able to ask you for a date?”
“Do you really want to? I’m just a small-county deputy. There’s a million other guys like me. You're—well, shit, you’re one of them bright stars that people can see through the clouds.”
Another little piece of him broke at how little Colton thought he was worth. “People celebrate things like fiddle-playing and bull riding, but you’re the most special of us all, Colt. You’re this wonderful person, who treats everyone like they matter, and thinks it’s the most normal thing. It’s not, but that’s how you were raised.
“I’ll bet I’ve had more people come on to me than you, and not one of them wanted Zachariah Baxter. I’m not better than you, Colt, not even close. People see me as a poor, dumb kid they can have if they grease the right wheels. None of them were as good as you. Not one.”
He smiled at Colton, because otherwise he’d cry. “Don’t ever think you don’t deserve something special. You do. Because you’re the best man I know.”
They stared at each other, neither moving; Colton because he was decent and Zach because he was trying to be.
Finally, Colton blinked a pair of watery eyes. “Remember I said this. What you said, that hit me here. ” He tapped his heart. “As soon as I’m allowed, I am going to kiss you for that so hard. Whatever happens after that happens. Thank you, Zach.”
Colton nodded and went back outside.
Zach stared at him even after the door closed. Finally he tore his gaze away, and poured his tea. After one sip, he set the cup down.
“Not near as perfect as yours.”
