My forehead ruches so hard, I can feel the lines appearing. ‘What?’
‘Well, it would be different if he kissed you back, wouldn’t it?’ she challenges. ‘You both would have something to feel bad about. Now you’re wondering why you got the wrong end of the stick.’ She says it so succinctly, it feels like I’ve been punched. But she’s wrong, that isn’t why I feel bad; I feel bad because I kissed the one person on this planet I shouldn’t have. ‘To be honest, I’m surprised…’ she adds, more thoughtful now. ‘I thought it might be the other way around.’
Everything stops. I look up at her quickly, trying to read the strange look on her face. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I don’tmeananything by it, just that when you get to my age you notice things, things that younger, more naïve, people don’t.’
‘I’m not naïve.’
‘Of course you’re not.’ She pouts and then goes back to eyeing me up and down as if there might be something she has missed. ‘What are you going to do about it?’
I snort. ‘Avoid him until I have to go home.’
‘Well, judging how you possess an innate ability to “bump” into each other, I’m pretty sure that won’t work.’
‘Well Archie’s going to come over.’
‘The man from London.’ She says it dryly, one eyebrow arching up into her hairline.
‘Yes, the man from London.’
She dusts off some imaginary crumbs from her skirt as if she’s bored. ‘And what will you do with him?’
‘The things I clearly need to get out of my system,’ I shrug. ‘Besides, he’s nice, sensible; you’ll like him.’
‘Nice and sensible, words that send every woman’s heart a flutter.’
‘Oh stop it!’
‘And by having Archie out here, your feelings for Florian will just disappear?’
‘I don’t have any feelings for Florian.’ I say it flatly, because I know if my voice wavers a decibel, she will not believe me. ‘He just looks a bit like Ettie. It was all just some confused misplaced affection – Florian said so himself. He… he said he knew it was about Ettie and not about him.’
‘Did he? Very big of him.’
‘Yes, well…’ I lean back in my chair, fold my arms into my lap. ‘He was very good about it to be honest.’
‘So, Ava.’ The American adjusts herself and looks me square in the face. ‘Why are you here, clearly mortified, looking like you’ve been caught with your knickers down? It’s a kiss, Ava. By the sounds of it you’ve managed to justify it as some strange form of grief, Florian doesn’t sound too bothered by it, and you have your lover coming over to keep you company?’
‘I don’t know… I just feel…’
‘Feel what?’
I’m growing petulant. My shoulders have slipped so far down the wing-backed chair that I am almost lying horizontal. I throw my hands into my hair. ‘I don’t know. I just feel…’
She holds my gaze a little too long, eyes narrowing, waiting for me to add something else, and when I don’t she sighs. ‘Well perhaps you can work it out over the weekend, I’m going to Toulouse.’
‘What? Why?’
‘Florian’s exhibition the other day made me think about some friends I lost touch with. I have a taxi picking me up any minute.’
‘Oh.’ I don’t want her to go. Not when Archie is here; I was counting on her as a distraction. She has become my kind of social stabiliser.
‘But you’ll be fine of course. Sounds like you’ve got enough things to keep you busy in the meantime.’ She goes to get to her feet which means I feel like I have to do the same.
‘Yes… well…’
‘And, Ava, when you finally figure out why you are beating yourself up, you might want to write it down in that book of yours; I’m sure it could prove very enlightening.’
