Guilt strangled me. I knew what I was risking, but also knew I could do it. That if I closed my eyes and let myself fall, Valentina would be the first to catch me. But no one else seemed to understand it.
Mamusia certainly didn't.
“A bullet between your grandfather's eyes would be more merciful, Camillo.”
I pulled away from her touch, standing up. It would be useless to argue. Only time could prove to my mother how wrong she was about Valentina.
“If you'll excuse me, I have to go get changed. Valentina and her famiglia will be here soon.”
“No, I won't excuse you. You're going to listen to what I have to say.” The snarl and her hand grabbing my forearm surprised me. “A whore would’ve been better.”
“Mother! I won't allow you—”
She stood up slowly and pressed her chest against mine.
“Who are you to allow me anything, boy?” she hissed, silencing any of my thoughts. “You're a fool who thinks he's found love between a beautiful pair of legs and is willing to destroy everything this family has built over centuries because of it.”
My breathing was heavy. I kept my lips pressed together, letting her talk, spewing all the contempt she felt for the woman I deeply loved. Even if Mamusia didn't understand it at that moment, there was nothing she could say or do to make me give up Valentina. Sooner or later, she would have to accept it.
"That woman doesn't know what it's like to be trapped by life and have to make your own way where there is none. She's never been cold, never gone hungry, never lacked pretty clothes in her closet or hot water to shower.“ She continued, poking my chest with her index finger. ”She's lived her whole life in her perfectmiddle-class family. Daddy's a teacher, mommy's a nursing assistant. Her little pink room. Her college tuition paid before she even knew how to walk. Sleepovers with her friends in bows and pretty skirts. Right and wrong drawn in a straight line..." She took two steps back and I swallowed hard as I realized how her green eyes were immersed in tears. “When your father met me in Warsaw, I had just turned eighteen...”
I shut my eyes, turning on my heels. I had heard that story enough times and it never felt any less uncomfortable. It was hard to look at my mother when she reminisced it, perhaps because I didn't want to accept that that had been her past.
"The night before, I had heard my father cry for the first time. There wasn't even any bread left in the house. He had been fired, and no one would hire a fifty-year-old man. We hadn't known what food was for weeks, and neither my mother nor he could get any money. Neighbors, friends, and acquaintances shunned us as if we had leprosy. People like your Valentina. The comfortable middle class, with their perfect stories and even more perfect codes of honor."
I rubbed the palm of my hand over my chest, each of Mamusia's words felt like a pinprick to my heart. When she first told me that story, I had wished I had some kind of special power to rewind time and take her away from that life, even if it meant exterminating my own existence. After so many years, that desire remained. To be able to go back in time and protect her from a world that didn't know how to treat her with the kindness she deserved.
“That morning, when I met your father, I was waiting for the bus. I lived in one of the poorest neighborhoods of Warsaw, where there was a prostitute on every corner. That's when a nice car stopped near where I was standing and a man asked a young woman if she wanted to spend the day with him. He offered her three hundred thousand zloty, more than enough money to solve all my family's problems... but she didn't accept. Because, God forbid! Despite where she lived, she wasn't like the other poor girls, let alone the prostitutes who hung around there. She told the stranger that she was decent, proper, from a good family. That her daddy even owned a car repair shop!“ She paused, and I felt as if two hands tightly gripped my neck. ”But I wasn't, Camillo. My parents would go hungry for days so there could be something left for me to eat. They rummaged through trash cans looking for scraps they could use. I wasn't from a good family, everyone was disgusted by me."
“Mamusia, per favore...”
"That morning, I decided to be exactly what people thought I was. A worthless, vulgar girl, the daughter of poor people, and I put myself in front of that car. I didn't even think that I might be run over or that at the end of the day I could end up dead in a ditch. I hit the hood of that rich man's car and begged the stranger to let me take the other girl's place. I lied to him with every tooth in my mouth, told him I was twenty-five and wanted money to buy some designer shoes. I pretended to be someone I wasn't, and at the end of the day, I had three hundred thousand zloty to feed my family and your brother in my belly." She put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to turn around. "When your father took me with him to that hotel room and Isaw that he had a gun with him, I was terrified. I remember thinking that the ‘bad man’ was going to do terrible things to me, but told myself it was too late to turn back and thought of my parents and my empty stomach, which was aching with hunger that day. Your father... Poor thing.“ She laughed with a mixture of sadness and affection. ”Your father asked me so many times if I was sure. He insisted so much that I shouldn't lie to him, that if I needed to, he could lend me some money. But I didn't trust anyone and was afraid of missing the opportunity. Since I’ve always been so tall, it wasn't hard to convince him that I was an adult woman and not barely eighteen. When it all happened, the ‘bad man with a gun’, looking for a woman on the streets to have a good time with... was kind. I did everything that needed to be done, and at no point did he mistreat me. When he realized I had lied to him about my age and was nothing more than an inexperienced young woman, he didn't insult me, he didn't hurt me, and he could have. The gun was right there, he could have blown my brains out. Instead, he felt so sorry for me that a week later knocked on your dziadkowie's door and formally asked me to marry him, with this ring that your Valentina rejected." She recalled, raising her hand where the gold band of roses, crowned by a brilliant-cut peridot, adorned her ring finger, next to her wedding band. “I was saved by the ‘bad man,’ Camillo, not by those people who like to see life in black and white and who believe some people worth more than others.”
“Valentina isn't like that, Mamusia...” I managed to whisper, feeling a tear escape from my eyes.
My mother wiped it away with a gentle caress.
"Maybe not, mój drogi. Maybe not. But people like her see poverty as irresponsibility and hunger as a contagious disease. They don't understand that we are not all born with the same opportunities and refuse to see injustice, even when it's right under their noses. I was saved by an Italian man twelve years older than me, who carried a gun and invited women he saw on the street to spend the day with him. And I swear to God, it didn't take me long to learn how to love him. Your father, Camillo, is the furthest thing from what people call a ‘decent man,’ yet he is the most wonderful human being who has ever crossed my path.“ She kissed me on the cheek. ”I don't want to rush to judgment about Valentina, mój drogi, but I'm worried that she won’t be able to see beyond appearances."
I hugged my mother tightly. Threw my arms around her neck and squeezed her as hard as I could, wanting to pull that past, that pain, those fears out of her.
“Mamusia, she sees beyond all that,” I assured her, my face buried in her shoulder. “She's so good... So kind, humble, generous... If you give her a chance, you'll see that.”
“But will she be able to be terrible when necessary?” She stepped back, stroking my hair as if I were still her ten-year-old boy. “When you have to be the worst man on earth, because that moment will come, will she be able to keep up with you? Stay by your side? That's what you have to ask yourself.”
I nodded, defeated. My parents' story was far from romantic, questionable in many ways, full of shadows and secrets that they both kept well hidden, but it was also a lesson in life, and I understood it very well. Maybe that was why I loved Valentinaso much. My mother may not have noticed it yet, but they had loyalty in common.
I wouldn't deny that the woman I loved was an idealist. Someone who sought justice, to balance the scales of good and evil. Still, her loyalty to me and her love were unquestionable and overrode her sense of right and wrong. I knew that when the time came, my Vale would be able to be as terrible as life demanded.
“I promise you, Mamusia...” I began slowly, rubbing my hands on her shoulders. “I swear on my life... Valentina will be by my side and will defend this famiglia as well as you, Nonna, and Zia have always done.”
My mother swallowed hard, and a sad smile appeared on her face.
“Well, mój drogi, if you're so sure, I can only wish you happiness and promise that I will welcome the woman you love as my daughter-in-law from now on.”
That brought a sincere, relieved smile to my face. I hugged her again and peppered her cheeks with kisses.
“Valentina will surprise you all. Just wait and see!”
