I can’t keep pushing people away just because I don’t know if they’ll like me, if they’ll judge or reject me. I can’t keep hiding who I am, what I like, who I love. Letting Kiara and Aunt Joan in after Mom died was a bright star in a sea of dark space. They haven’t turned me away. They’ve loved me. Cosmos might not do the same, but it’s time I give him the option, the chance.
The door behind me squeaks, and I turn to look. The sun glints off the glass, and all I see is a man silhouetted in the doorway. I squint, trying to make out the face. My heart races with anticipation.
Then, he steps forward. The door closes. The light shifts. It’s not Cosmos. It’s the other resident I saw him with, the one I spilled soup on in the cafeteria. Cold dread settles in my gut. Cosmos sent his friend to tell me to go home. To handle me.
He holds out his hand. “In case you don’t remember, I’m Viraj.”
I stand, using the rectangular present as a shield over my heart.
“I remember,” I mumble, not taking his hand. Truthfully, I hadn’t remembered his name.
“Cosmos sent me.”
Three little words. Confirmation. He’s not coming. He couldn’t even bother to break it to me himself. Mywhole body feels heavy, and I sink back onto the bench. I guess I have my answer.
“Oh, no. No, it’s not like that,” he says, clearly responding to the way I deflated. He comes closer and squats down in front of the bench so we’re face to face. “He just wasn’t available right away and didn’t want you waiting out here. It’s supposed to rain soon.”
“He couldn’t have texted?”
Viraj’s thin lips narrow, and he shrugs. “Maybe he thought this would go over better with a personal touch.” He straightens to his full height and holds his hand out, motioning toward the door. “I think he also wanted some privacy.”
He doesn’t want everyone seeing me freak out. I swallow the lump in my throat and numbly follow Viraj. The crinkle of the brown paper package rings loud in my ears. The weight of it against my chest keeps me grounded. Whatever Cosmos has to say, I’m going to give him his present. Even if he doesn’t want to get back together, I want him to have it. I want to make sure he knows how much he meant to me, even if only for a short time.
He was right. I didn’t trust him. I guess I still don’t, because I’m having a hard time imagining that Viraj is leading me to a happy reunion. But, when I think back on all the time we spent together, he never gave me any reason to doubt him. Cosmos was open and present. He was kind and giving. He saw me un-showered and makeup-less, in ratty sweats, and crying. I broke down and accused him of not savingMom in the surgery waiting room, and he still pursued me.
Now, it’s time to pursue him.
So, if I have to wait in some random corner of the hospital while he finishes up with a patient or in surgery or whatever it is he’s doing, I’ll wait. I’m not running away anymore. At least, not without knowing I gave this my all.
Viraj doesn’t lead me to a random corner of the hospital. He takes me up to the fourth floor and stops in front of an un-numbered wood door. It seems vaguely familiar, but so much of the hospital looks the same it’s hard to tell. Did he bring me where I think he brought me?
Viraj’s smile is secretive and mischievous as he knocks, then saunters off.
The door swings open.
Cosmos is standing in the storage closet. The same one where we had our first kiss.
He’s wearing his scrubs. His hair is a little longer, his chin covered with the start of a neatly trimmed beard. He’s got the closet light off. On the back shelf, one of those fake electric candles casts a gentle glow.
“Hey.” He rubs a hand over his chin, and then, as if he’s only just realizing that we’re still standing in the doorway, he steps aside.
I swallow my fear and grip the package a little tighter. The door clicks closed, and Cosmos locks it. I stare at the single candle on the shelf in the dimly lit closet.
“I wanted to set the mood. But that was all I couldfind.” He rubs his palm down his face, a nervous tic I’d almost forgotten. “I borrowed it from a patient. It’s cheesy. I know. We can turn it off.”
He flicks on the overhead light, while my mind tries to catch up with what’s happening. He wanted to set the mood for what? And what does it mean that after going through the effort of finding the candle, he turned on the light?
We both open our mouths to speak at the same time and laugh awkwardly. I can’t meet his eyes, afraid and hopeful all at once.
“How are you?” His hand reaches almost to my arm before dropping to his side. I want to pick it back up and guide him to touch me. I want to reach out and touch his cheek, feel the scratch of his new beard against my palm. Instead, I just stare at his long fingers.
“Goo—” I stop myself, take a deep breath, and answer truthfully. “It’s been hard. I’m honestly not okay.”
He makes a pained noise and takes a tiny step closer. I rub the red ribbon on the present between my fingers and try not to lose my courage.
“I was a wreck when Mom… died. I didn’t have the energy to hold back all the things I normally keep inside, control my emotions, or keep from melting down. Instead, I lashed out at everyone close to me. At you.” I glance at him, then back down at the package in my hands. “You’re right that I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust anyone to,” my lungs constrict, but I force myself to keep going, “love me. Except Mom. And she…” I take a deep breath to steady myself.
Cosmos leans closer, his warmth a steadying force. We don’t touch anywhere, but the space between us feels like it’s shrinking, and that gives me the motivation to press on.
