I went down hard, towel spilling out around me. My knees scraped against the carpet, burning my skin.
“Look at you.” I heard him spit and felt the wad hit the skin on my back. “You probably brought what happened today on yourself. You should know better than to tempt men, Delilah.”
I grabbed my towel and hid my body, too scared to look up at my father, but his words pelted me, sinking deep into my soul.
Was it really my fault for what happened?
Pastor John had said as much.
Now my father.
My mother said it was a part of God’s plan.
But really, it felt like the actions of one evil piece of shit, deciding that he could take what he wanted, and get away with it.
“You’ll be going back to school tomorrow, and I don’t want any more incidents, you hear me?”
Defensively, I curled up on the ground, not looking up at him, too scared to move or even breathe. His footsteps groaned against the floor and then I heard the telltale snick of the door closing.
I rushed over to it once he was gone and locked the door. It wouldn’t keep him out if he really wanted to get in, but the action of doing it made me feel safer somehow.
It was only natural that I wanted to love my parents, but deep down I knew that they would never change. They saw me as clay to be molded in their image. They never anticipated that the clay they were molding would harden and resist their attempts. Deep down, a part ofme wanted to believe they were doing their best. But their best, wasn’t what was best for me.
My plan had always been to leave this place once I graduated, and that dream was the only thing that kept me going. I was going to pack up my things, get on a train, and get a job in the city. Even if I had to stay in a shoebox apartment that was infested with roaches, it would be better than the existence I’d been saddled with since birth. I just had to make it one more year.
CHAPTER 12
DELILAH
The rideback to Kingston Prep was filled with anxiety and prolonged silences. My mother opted to drive me, having taken the morning off work at the local bank to do it, and I reluctantly got in the car as she dragged me back to the place that haunted my dreams. My father left before sunrise, needing to make up his lost time at the plant. I didn’t miss seeing him.
All night, I tried and failed to get to sleep. But every time I closed my eyes, I sawhim. Pastor John. It was bad enough that my body felt sore and bruised, but the knowledge that I would be right back where I was assaulted— where my abuser still lurked, had me dry heaving. I didn’t even eat breakfast and I had no appetite. My stomach felt like it was twisted into a knot, and under my skin felt like it was vibrating.
How was I supposed to get through the day? And sit in his class? And breathe the same air as him?
I wanted to reach for the door handle and hurl my body out of the moving vehicle. The thought crossed my mind several times, but ending myself would only let them win. Somehow, I had to get through this. Even if it took every bit of strength I had, I would escape this place and never look back.
I pulled at my skirt, noting the bruises and scrapes that dotted mylegs. Each one a physical reminder of what I endured. I kept hoping that this was some horrific, terrible nightmare, and that I’d wake up. But unfortunately, I was as awake as could be, and there was no mistake. This was really my life, and this shit had really happened to me.
As my mother put the car in park, I stared up at the imposing building. My heart was beating so hard I could barely hear her start to pray for me. It was probably best that I tuned it out because I didn’t feel like getting into a fight with her right now. I was running on zero sleep and hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning. I didn’t have the strength to tell her to go shove it. Maybe it was stupid of me to return to school in such a weakened state, but I didn’t have much of a choice.
I opened the car door and willed my feet to carry me into this place of horrors. Reluctantly, they obeyed. My mom didn’t even wait until I was inside before pulling away and leaving me behind to face my fate.Nice. Love you too, Mom,I thought bitterly.
The secretary was waiting for me with a look of pity on her pinched face. She had bright pink lipstick that was smeared on her front two teeth, and she had a number two pencil sticking out of her messy brunette bun. Her cardigan that hung about her shoulders askew matched the shade of her lipstick almost perfectly.
“Delilah, good to see you back here so soon.” She opened the door with a wide smile that showed all of her stained teeth, reminding me of a piranha, and I nodded at her, unable to respond. My hands were clamming up on me and my knees felt like they were wobbling with every step I took. The moment the door closed behind me I felt like I was going to pass out.
“We’ve set you up with the school counselor for a special session this afternoon?—”
“Is there a way I can go there now? I’m not really feeling up to class yet,” I said, interrupting her. A risk, since interrupting an adult was seen as a punishable offense, but it was a chance I was willing to take. I felt seconds away from either passing out or vomiting all over this lady’s Pepto Bismol inspired outfit.
She pursed her lips, clearly annoyed, but then she must have registered the look on my face because she said, “I’ll see if they’re available.”
“Thank you,” I breathed out, grateful for a small win.
I’d never been in the counselor’s office before. It was covered in wood paneling and smelled of burnt toast and strawberry jam. There was an orange and brown plaid couch that looked as if the Hulk had sat in it, rendering the middle concave. The fabric was peeling off in several spots and there was a suspicious brown stain on one of the flattened cushions. Not exactly comforting, but at least it wasn’t Pastor John’s classroom. I stood examining the window, wishing I could shimmy out of the small opening and make a break for it while I waited for the counselor to arrive. There was no way my hips could fit through it.
Outside the room, I could hear the passing period starting up. I’d been waiting for a whole class period, but that suited me fine. It gave me time to prepare for the inevitable ridicule I would be subjected to once my fellow classmates saw me.
