I learned the hard way the night when John got home after the miscarriage just how controlled my life would become. One of our neighbors had seen me leave and informed him of my departure. I’d barely had time to stash the pills somewhere he wouldn’t find them before he came up behind me, yanking me by my hair and asking me where I’d dared to go without permission. He even went so far as to check the mileage on the car.
It began to storm and he used the sounds of the thunder to disguise my screams. When my body gave out, he took me to the ER, claiming I’d fallen down the stairs. No one questioned his word, and I was given a stern talking to on being more careful with myself. They didn’t even notice the way John’s knuckles were bright red even though it was right in front of their faces. People saw what they wanted to. And they saw me as a problem he was gracious enough to handle.
Eventually, I found a rhythm in this life I’d been dealt. It wasn’t perfect. I still ended up on the wrong side of John’s fists, especially during thunderstorms, but I got him to trust me enough to get a part time job at the library. It didn’t pay much, but I was starting to set aside money so I could leave his sorry ass. I found small ways to fuck with him. Spitting in his food without him looking. Adding dirt to his coffee. Dipping his toothbrush in the toilet. It was the only way I felt I could get back at him without consequences.
Every week, I’d check the internet at the library for news about Cain. But it was like he’d disappeared. There were no court records, no news articles. Nothing. It chilled my soul to see how easily they could make someone vanish. Was he dead? Alive? In prison? I didn’t know. But I kept hoping. Kept looking, wishing that one day, something would pop up.
“Would you shelve these in the travel section? Some students leftthem all over the back table,” my co-worker and only friend, Margot asked, pushing her glasses up her long, thin nose. The star charms she had on either side of the wire framed glasses jangled with the motion.
“Sure thing,” I said, pushing away from the computer and grabbing the heavy stack from her.
The books shifted in my grasp as I struggled against the weight of them. I wasn’t as nimble or strong as I once was. John kept me on a strict diet, and my body bore the scars of his special attention. There were parts of me that would never heal correctly, and I just had to deal with it.
The travel section was my favorite. Sometimes, when the library wasn’t busy, I would pour over the pictures of far-off places I could only dream about. Wishing I was there. My fingers would trace the hot air balloons over Turkey and track the gentle waves lapping against a beach in Greece. I dreamed of traipsing along the trails that lined Lake Como and climbing the stairs in the narrow closes of Edinburgh till my legs burned. When I pictured myself there, it was never alone. The figure beside me, holding my hand, was Cain. In my dream world, the two of us made it out of Kingston and lived happily ever after, despite the horrors we’d come from. My dreams kept me sane in a world that made me feel like I’d lost my mind.
Margot came and crouched beside me, setting down more books.
“Looks like they’re planning a trip to England,” she said, blowing her silver strand of hair out of her face.
“Sounds amazing,” I said, my voice sounding flat and faraway to my own ears. I placed the books into their respective spots, following the Dewey Decimal System I’d been taught.
Margot nudged my shoulder with hers. “How much have you saved? You know I can loan you some money to get started,” she said, her voice low.
I shook my head. “I appreciate it, but I have to do it on my own. I don’t want him suspecting anyone of helping me. You know what he’s like,” I said, whispering back so that only she could hear me. You never knew who could pop up and report back to my husband. The man had a town full of spies more than happy to inform him of his ‘troubled’ wife. He’d had me branded that way from the very beginningwith a headline in our local paper. Everyone I came across looked at me with pity in their eyes and a shake of their head. They looked at my husband as some kind of hero. Or a saint.
Margot’s face contorted. “I know. But I hate seeing you like this.”
I nodded then gave her a fake smile I’d become accustomed to wearing. “I’ll be fine. I always am.”
She looked at me warily through the smudged lenses of her glasses. She was right to doubt my words, because I was lying through my teeth. I wasn’t fine. Hadn’t been for a long time. Actually, I didn’t know that I’d ever been what someone would consider fine, but I had a plan.
With every paycheck, every trip to the grocery store, every time I got gas, I found small ways to siphon a few dollars here and there, gathering it bit by bit to build an escape plan for myself. I’d bought a burner phone that I kept stashed in the trunk of my car in a small, almost invisible, pocket. I occasionally checked rental listings out west so I could have enough saved for the first and last month’s deposit. And then I perused used car listings. If I took the sedan, John would have me pulled over before I cleared the town line. But if I had a car no one recognized, it would give me a chance to break free.
I had a little less than eight thousand dollars tucked under the mattress of my bed. My goal was to get at least ten thousand, because I wasn’t sure what job I would or could find once I left. Without a high school diploma, my options were limited. And the one time I brought up the possibility of me getting my GED ended with my face in the wall. I didn’t ask again.
At the rate I was going, it would take about six more months before I had the amount I needed. Just six more fucking months and I’d be free.
When it was time to leave for the night, my brain was stuffed full of plans and what I needed to make for dinner before John got home. I waved to Margot, but then felt an eerie sensation climb up the back of my neck. Glancing around the empty parking lot, I didn’t see anyone. But I felt like I was being watched.
Frowning, I scanned the dense tree line, before shaking off the feeling with a heavy breath as I walked a little faster to my car. It wasprobably just an animal and I was being paranoid. When I got to my car, I noticed a small daisy caught in the windshield wiper that looked almost deliberate. My eyes darted around the parking, but I didn’t see anything. It could have ended up there for a million reasons. Besides, I didn’t have time to waste. If I was late, I knew exactly the kind of punishment that awaited me. John had to have his meals on time and tonight he demanded pork chops with a side of mashed potatoes. Maybe if I was lucky, he’d finally choke on it and rid me of his presence once and for all.
CHAPTER 19
CAIN
Delilah couldn’t seeme from where I sat crouched in the shadows. But I could see her. She’d become even more beautiful than I remembered. The years hadn’t broken her, but there was a subtle droop to her shoulders that wasn’t there before and a small wrinkle that sat permanently between her brows. She seemed thinner and sadder too. But the setting sun made her golden hair glow like the angel I knew she was. It took every ounce of restraint I had in me not to fuck this up and go over to her right now.
My hands gripped into the sharp bark of the tree as I steadied my overwhelming emotions. My breath felt warm trapped behind the filtered gas mask I wore on my scarred face, smelling of mint and plastic.
The wind picked up and rustled the leaves on the trees around me and the birds above me squawked loudly as their feathers flapped. I was so aware of every little thing. It was a stark difference to the cold cell I was used to. It’d been five years of being locked away and shut off from the outside world, and it felt like my senses were heightened as I took it all in. My feet shifted on the ground reveling in the softness of the Earth instead of hard concrete. The time I’d spent locked away chipped away at my humanity. The only thing that kept me grounded in reality instead of slipping into madness was the thought of Delilahand the promise I made her. For these past five years, I stopped talking. Hadn’t said one fucking word to another soul and I wouldn’t, not until I spoke to her. At this point I wasn’t even sure my voice would work. It’d been so long since I’d uttered a syllable, let alone a whole fucking sentence.
I watched through the dim tint of the lenses of my mask as Delilah smiled and waved goodbye to a short woman with black hair and a silver streak that framed her face. And then she looked right at me and my heart stuttered in my chest. I knew there was no way she could actually see me, but it felt like she did. To be this close to her after all this time felt surreal. All I had to do was walk out from behind these trees and I’d have her in my arms again. But it was too soon. I had more to do before I was ready.
Until then, I would watch and wait. Even if it was killing me to not rip her out of that bastard’s hold right here and now. I had to be smart about this or all that time I spent planning would be for nothing.
I’d been let out of prison two weeks ago, and in that time, I’d collected my trust fund left by my late grandfather, found a house on the outskirts of town, and tracked down the woman who’d occupied my every thought for the past five years of my life. I needed to know that she was okay before I could enact my revenge. Prison had gifted me enough time to plot, looking at my plan from every angle until it was perfect.
As I watched Delilah, I understood that her life was dictated by that son of a bitch pastor impersonator that married her. He still taught at Kingston, inflicting his particular brand of assholery on underage kids. Still walked around with that air of entitlement and was still somehow revered by the community despite his heinous crimes. He had everyone fooled. And those who weren’t fooled enabled his behavior.
