When I arrived, I was early.
The restaurant buzzed with life with those who loved it, too. I snagged a corner seat near the window, and waited for Rachel.
Maybe it was because it was my last day on Earth, but genuinely for the first time, I took in my surroundings—and not in a negative way. I watched as the staff worked in rhythmic form, each knowing their place and how to navigate one another. The monotonous workday for them, but they appeared to enjoy it. They enjoyed their lives, and what purpose they carried with them.
Snapping me out of my daze, Rachel pulled up a chair across from me. She gave me a smile that was full of gratefulness, and an underlying sadness that I couldn’t ignore.
She felt like she had failed me.
“So good to see you, Lennon.”
I nodded in agreement. “I don’t want today to be weird,” I said. “So, let’s just chat like friends, you know? You can ask whatever you want, talk about whatever you want. Let’s leave the social-worky stuff at the door.”
She grinned, a genuine look of appreciation. “Thank you, Lennon. I’d like that.”
“Now that that’s settled, tell me about you. Do you have a husband? Kids? What kind of hobbies could you possibly have other than spending your days talking to people like me?” I asked.
Rachel laughed. “You know, that dawned on me today. You don’t really know anything about me. Ha. What a concept. Well, I’m married. My guy is a pilot who flies to northern communities, bringing up supplies and whatnot. Big, burly, quiet type.”
She took a sip of water, then continued, “No kids yet, however, we’ve been talking about it. We have a dog though, so, kind of like our child. Her name is Hela. As in, Loki’s sister.”
“I’m familiar, I used to really be into Marvel,” I said, adding to the conversation. It was weird in a way. For a moment, it felt like Rachel and I could have been friends in another life.
“And well, hobbies. I like hiking and reading, mostly. Oh! And I have been getting into puzzles. I know that’s lame—”
“Not lame at all. Sounds…peaceful.”
She nodded. “That’s just it. I need more peace in my life, you know?”
“I really do.”
Our eyes locked. She finally said the words I knew she wanted to say. “Don’t do it, Lennon. Selfishly, don’t.”
I couldn’t maintain eye contact, so I looked down at my twiddling thumbs. “I…I can’t not.”
She reached across the table to touch my arm. “Yes, you can. You can push the date. You can cancel at any time. There’s no pressure. What’s the harm in staying, even just a little longer?”
“Rachel,” I began softly, “I’ve wanted this for so long. It feels right. Like I can see the world clearly again.”
It felt like a slight lie the moment I said it. The words tasted false on my tongue.
I missed Asher.
I hadn’t seen him, and each day that passed, I missed him even more. Each day without him caused a deeply rooted ache in my chest, but he was done. He was fucking done with me. And I couldn’t even blame him.
He gave me his heart, and I tossed it into the trash after stomping the shit out of it.
“Lennon, I don’t believe you.”
Rachel was straightforward and cut through my bullshit. She wasn’t ever this assertive, and I had to admit, I respected it.
“You’ve known me longer than most people. You know this is what I’ve wanted. Fuck, I just made an attempt. I’m not well,” I pleaded, worried she may just take this all away from me.
“I agree. I know you’ve wanted this for a long time, Lennon,” she said carefully. “But I’ve seen incredible improvements in you this year. When you met Asher—”
“Don’t bring him into this. That was fleeting. Everything good is.”
“Not always. And it’s okay that it didn’t last, but not everything good ends. And hey, if it does, at least it was good while it lasted, until the next good thing. I see so much good in you, like so much, you don’t give yourself enough credit.”
