“Listen,” she said, her voice steady, “I bet you’re a nice guy. Someone all the girls want to date. But here’s the thing—I’m not a nice girl. So no, I don’t want to go for lunch with you, or dinner, either. In fact, if I never had to see you again, that would be just fine.Capiche?”
She punctuated the last word with a shoulder check, then kept walking like I was nothing.
Damn. This was going to be harder than I thought.
I watched her retreat without a glance back. As much as she hated the ground I stood on, I was fired up by the challenge. Just by existing, Lennon was keeping me alive—and she didn’t even know it. These little interactions made me want to live, out of spite.
Lennon.I was determined to figure her out.
“Capiche.”
Lennon
Igot to stay with Auntie Brenda for two whole days. Mommy said the baby was ready to join our family, so I patiently waited with Auntie Brenda for two whole days. Auntie was a lot funner than Mommy and Daddy lately. She coloured with me, she baked cookies with me, she made playdough out of flour with me. We were having so much fun when I saw Daddy’s car pull into the driveway.
Watching from the window seeing the sunny blue skies, Daddy was getting out of the car, looking so sad.Why was he sad?Opening the front door, I thought I would cheer him up by giving him a big hug and shouting how excited I was to see him. His eyes looked extra puffy, and as I shouted ‘Daddy’ at the top of my lungs, he began to cry and got down to my level while giving me a big hug.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Shaking his head, he pulled me away from him, his red, swollen eyes looking into mine. “Baby Miles couldn’t make it here today. He was so excited to go straight to heaven, so we won’t be able to meet him, pumpkin.”
Tears rolled down his face. I didn’t understand. Why wouldn’t I meet my baby brother? “Why wouldn’t he want to meet us, Daddy?” Daddy tried his best to hold himself together, but his shoulders were violently shaking while he sat on his knees in front of me. Auntie Brenda came over to rub myshoulders. Whispering in my ear, she asked me to go up to my bedroom.
“Why didn’t he want to meet me?” I began to shout. My dad didn’t even respond to my outbursts. Aunt Brenda just continued to walk me to my room, shushing me.
I don’t remember how long I had spent in my bedroom alone, but when I decided I was finally hungry enough to come out, it was morning time.
I quietly went down the hallway toward the kitchen, where I found Daddy standing at the sink with a coffee in his hand. “Good morning, pumpkin,” he said, making an attempt to sound cheerful. His smile looked fake.
“Morning, Daddy,” I whispered.
“What can I make you for breakfast?” he asked. I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew that I was hungry. I shrugged my shoulders. Not meaning to make his life difficult, but I didn’t have much else to offer.
“How about pancakes?” he settled on, to which I nodded.
I sat at the table as he prepared the pancakes, in between batches bringing me orange juice. It’s my favourite. “Where’s Mom?” I asked shyly, worried she might have gone to heaven, too.
Daddy offered a tight smile, pressing his lips together. “She’s sleeping. Let her rest, okay? Mommy is sad.” I nodded. I was sad, too. I drew pictures and made playdough and even put my favourite blanket in his room for him to have.
After having breakfast, hours went by and the house felt cold. There was no love like there was before. Where was everyone? Why did I feel alone? Was I home alone?
Coming out of my bedroom, I looked both ways down the hall, but saw no one. I couldn’t hear anyone either, nor could I sense the television playing. I came out and tiptoed toward the kitchen, no one was there. I walked toward the living room,no one was there. I ran down to my parents’ bedroom, no one was there. I checked the driveway, panicking, and saw that no vehicles were parked there.
Did they leave me behind?
Beginning to cry, I ran toward my room, slamming the door shut. How could they leave me behind? I flopped on my bed, scared and alone. Crying into the covers, I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping someone, anyone might hear me. But no one came.
The next day came, and I could hear nothing once again. Walking out of my room, I called for my dad. He peeked his head out of the living room, shushing me. Confused, I walked out toward him, still in yesterday’s clothes. “Where did you go?” I asked.
He didn’t seem to understand my question. “What do you mean? I’ve been right here, pumpkin. Also, keep your voice low. Mommy is still resting, okay?”
Anger that was rooted deep inside began to grow. “No, you weren’t there. You were gone!” I shouted. My dad’s brows furrowed as he looked at me sternly. “What has gotten into you, young lady? Can’t you see Mommy and Daddy are sad?”
I shook my head, not understanding what was happening. “You left me alone!” I screamed and then took off toward my room. He didn’t chase me. He didn’t even make the effort to get up to comfort me. He let me run off.
Entering my room, breathing heavily, I slammed the door as hard as I could. I let out a guttural scream that I felt deep in my belly. Still, no one came. I didn’t know what to do. Why was no one hugging me tightly, telling me everything was going to be okay? Why wasn’t anyone here for me anymore? Did no one love me anymore?
I opened the door and slammed it again. My breathing came fast and quick standing behind the door, waiting forsomeone to tell me to stop. Nothing happened. My brain was spiralling. I couldn’t make sense of what my life was anymore. If Baby Miles never came, Mommy and Daddy would still love me, but now they’re sad. They don’t love me anymore because of him.
Opening up the door, I belted out at the top of my lungs, “I HATE BABY MILES!” and with that, a door swung open and out marched my mother, looking a mess. She grabbed me by my shirt collar and swung her fist as it collided with my cheek.
