The colour drained from his face almost instantly. His hand moved to his chest, fingers gripping his shirt as if he were trying to steady himself.
I grabbed him, attempting to keep him upright. “Hey—hey. That’s okay, I don’t care. I don’t care, Asher.”
The lobby erupted into chaos as his weight gave out and he collapsed toward the floor. I shouted for the receptionist to call an ambulance, my voice cracking with panic.
Asher’s eyes fluttered shut, and then he was gone—unconscious against the cold floor.
Panic tore through me like a siren. No, no,no. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t go. I needed him to finish this stupid bucket list. I needed him—for Nova now.
Maybe—just maybe—I needed him for me, too.
Lennon
Sitting next to his hospital bed, I began to relive moments from my childhood, as if every path I’d ever taken had led me here. So many tragedies had happened to my family—too many, even before considering anyone else’s. Just reliving it all gave me goosebumps. I closed my eyes and saw my dad coming home to tell me about the loss of my baby brother. A tear welled when I remembered the moment I learned my dad hadn’t survived a car accident. It slipped down my face, reached the corner of my lips, and seeped into my mouth until I tasted salt.
Then there were all the times I’d wound up back here after cutting myself, attempting to end it all, only to realize I just fucking couldn’t. The coward living inside my brain wouldn’t let me cut deep enough, wouldn’t let me go that extra fucking mile. It just wouldn’t. And I hated myself for it.
Nothing good ever came from me existing in this world. Sitting there, looking at Asher in his hospital bed, I realized I had pushed him too far. I had asked for too much. He was here because I couldn’t just leave well enough alone. I had fucking pushed him into the fucking hospital. What was wrong with me?
Just as the spiral tightened its grip, the doctor walked in.
“Well, hello. My name is Dr. Azad. I’m Asher’s primary physician,” she said kindly. “Were you with him when he collapsed?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I was with him. We were getting a dog.” I shook my head at how ridiculous I sounded. Meek. Small. Insignificant. But that was me.
She placed a hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this,” she said gently. “Cardiac angiosarcoma is unpredictable, even under the best circumstances; especially considering how long Asher has managed to keep himself alive. It’s remarkable, really.”
I twisted toward her, completely dumbfounded that I hadn’t known he was sick. “What does that mean?” I questioned. “Like, his disease. What is that?”
“In simple terms,” Dr. Azad explained, “it’s a cancerous tumour that developed in his blood vessels and has since travelled—or began to take up space—in his heart muscle. It’s terminal.” She studied me curiously for a moment, clearly realizing I was hearing this for the very first time. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, her appearance professional and precise, but the kindness that sat behind the irises in her eyes told me everything I needed to know about her. She was one of the good ones, and I was grateful he was in her care.
I nodded slowly and whispered, “So…he’s dying? I know what terminal means. He just doesn’t seem like he’s dying.”
I sounded so small in her presence. She pressed her lips together sympathetically, dipping her head as she nodded slowly.
“I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you,” she said softly. “This disease has essentially taken over his world and stripped away the things he loved. I’ve been his doctor for a long time. I do find it peculiar that he didn’t share that with someone so close to him.”
With that, she glanced over the cords connected to him, made note of the numbers glowing on the monitors, and quietly left the room.
I turned back to Asher and realized his eyes were open.
Butterflies flipped violently in my belly at the sight of those baby blues.
“Asher! You’re awake!” I exclaimed, relief spilling out of me faster than my body could contain it.
A brightly lit smile painted his face. He stared at me like I was something wondrous, and it took every ounce of restraint I had inside of my body not to lunge into his arms.
“Oh, there you are, little siren,” he said softly. “I told you—you could take me out of this world if you really wanted to.” A soft chuckle slipped from those perfect lips.
I closed my eyes as a smirk danced on my lips. Of course, he would make a joke at this inopportune time. “What is wrong with you, asshole?” I snapped. “You couldn’t have mentioned to me in passing that—oh, I don’t know—you’redying?”
I couldn’t suppress the anger festering inside me. He had lied. Not about something small—this was a big fucking deal. Monumental, even. This was why he lived with his parents. Why he didn’t have a driver’s license. Why he was in the group. And why he had begged me to reconsider my wish to die.
Shame coated me like a heavy blanket, the weight on my shoulders growing unbearable. I was an asshole. My shoulders caved inward, and I felt the sting bloom behind my eyes all at once.
“Hey,” he said gently, “don’t do that. Stay here with me, Lennon.” His voice softened. ‘I should have told you. I know that. But can we—just for today—set it aside? For now, let’s pretend I’m in the hospital because I got into a fist fight protecting your honour. Or something equally as cheesy.”
The light inside him was impossible to ignore. I attempted to suppress the smirk threatening to surface, but it was no use.
