It broke my heart to bear witness as Lennon denied herself life’s greatest gifts. She was a raft adrift at sea, refusing every shore that came into view.
Reaching for her chin, I tilted her face up to meet mine. Her eyes widened. “Lennon, I refuse to give up here. I know you want this, too.”
She shook her head—subtly at first—until the first tear welled in the crease of her eye. She tipped her face toward the ceiling, continuing to shake her head as she held her breath.
Her mouth opened in a sharp gasp as she fought to steady herself, to keep the tears at bay. She couldn’t look at me. The desperation for me to look away was thick with need. I saw it, but I refused to let her win this one.
“Lennon,” I started, but she sprang to her feet, dragging her fingers through her hair and shouting up at the ceiling.
I moved to follow her, but she threw up her hands, pleading for me to stay where I was.
“No. Stop. Just stop, Asher.” Her voice broke. “I’m too tired to fight you, but I just can’t. I can’t with anyone. I’m fucking broken. A toy tossed to the bottom of a bin. A weed someone had to dig up and rip out of the garden.”
As she paced, I could almost see her brain processing her thoughts, all while she unravelled. She was pushing me away—but she still needed me to fight for her.
“I’m here, Lennon,” I said firmly. “And youcan. You fucking can. You do every day in ways you never give yourself credit for. You can fucking do anything. And you can be with me.”
She dropped her head, her bloodshot eyes finally leaving the ceiling to land on me. The hurt pouring from her was almost unbearable to witness.
“I can’t,” she whispered. Her shoulder began to shake as tears streamed down her cheeks and her body slid down onto the floor.
I followed her down, pulling her into my arms as she sobbed.
“You don’t have to overthink this one,” I murmured, kissing the back of her head as she trembled. “I’m doing enough overthinking for the both of us, little siren.”
She didn’t laugh. She didn’t even flinch.
“I can’t, Ash,” she cried. “I want to—fuck—I wantyou, but I’m rotten fruit. I poison everything I touch. I’ll just poison you too, and you won’t even realize it until it’s too late. There’s no good left in me. I’m just fragments of a broken person. I want to be nothing whole, nothing concrete. I’m just fragments. And when I leave this place, the only place fit for me to be is somewhere in hell—if there even is one.”
Her voice gave out under the weight of it all. She was exhausted.
“Baby, I’m ready to battle this out with you. There’s so much good you don’t give yourself credit for. And if you’re going to hell, then I’d love nothing more than to rot there alongside you. I mean it when I say I’m all in.”
I tipped my head back against the wall, steadying my breath as she sobbed quietly in my arms, “Lennon…you know how you said you’re dying?”
She nodded. She didn’t need to speak—it would have taken energy she didn’t have.
“So am I. We’re all dying in terrible, horrific, and beautiful ways. That’s just life. Our time is limited. Some more than others, sure, but it’s all a guessing game. My time is set. So is yours. So is everyone else’s. And what I refuse to do is to letdeath consume me. If I can’t have you forever earthside, then let me have what you have left for now. And when we meet on the flip side, I’ll be gifted with the rest of you.”
Her bright green eyes connected with mine, bloodshot from the pressure weighing on her shoulders. A soft smirk flitted in the corner of her mouth. “It would also be good to finish our bucket list anyway.”
A smile flooded my cheeks. “Be loved by someone?”
Something clicked in her eyes. “Well—not loved. But we couldmakelove or whatever. Close enough. Exclusively, like…for the rest of the group, at least.”
“Makelove, huh?” I teased. “What is this, the 1800s?”
Lennon wasted no time shoving me, chuckling, “You know what I mean, idiot.”
Sensing the shift, the air lighter now, I made my move—pulling her on top of me as I fell back, her body settling against mine. “I don’t,” I said smoothly. “But you should enlighten me.”
I tucked a loose strand from her top knot behind her ear, gazing into her eyes and catching something bright there. Nova clambered over, seizing the chance to lick my forehead as I lay on the floor with Lennon.
A smile broke out over Lennon’s face. “I mean, we could do things together, like fuck and fight, and then make up and fuck again.”
A grin spread across my face. “Mmm, Lennon, I want to do all of the above with you. You’re creeping into my fantasies saying things like that, you know?”
She rested her hands on my chest, hesitating as she weighed her next words. “I have a lot of fantasies, Asher.”
