She skipped ahead, and I clutched my chest, silently praying to whatever God might be listening to give me one more fucking night with her.
Lennon
We arrived at the spot my father had taken me more times than I could count before he died. I never came here while I was homeless, fearful that the comfort woven into those memories would be tainted if something happened to me there.
Shock tightened in my chest when I realized I had led us to the right place. So much time had passed that I worried my memories were skewed, or that the campground would be overgrown, swallowed by time and the wilderness
But it hadn’t.
It stood exactly as I remembered it.
Tall pine trees encircled the clearing, their branches cascading overhead with a narrow opening that sloped toward a spring-fed lake. The water had been so cold my fingers went numb within seconds—or at least that was how I remembered it. Some things didn’t change, and I hoped this was one of them.
Even the fallen tree that had served as our bench during my childhood was still resting where it always had. It looked more weathered now, more sunken and rotten into the ground, bark split with age—but it remained. The sight of it loosened something in myself. I could almost taste the campfire smoke, hear his laugh drifting through the trees as we ate dinner side by side on that log.
Nova’s tail wagged frantically as the car rolled to a slow stop.
“My dad used to bring me here every weekend in the summer for as long as I can remember,” I said, a soft laugh slipping free. “Honestly, he probably brought me here the day I was born. It was his favourite spot.”
Asher had always been cautious to give me space when I spoke about my past—measured, almost. Like he was determining whether the memory was painful or sweet.
“Did your mom join you two?” he asked.
I didn’t know why, but the thought had never even occurred to me. The realization struck with quiet confusion. “No,” I said after a moment, “Actually…she didn’t.”
I hummed under my breath, shaking my head as the pieces rearranged. “She rarely left the house, if I’m being honest. Until one day, she did—and then she never came back.”
Asher considered me. “Sounds like your dad was the best.”
My face softened with the truth of it. It was the simplest, truest statement. He had been the best. I’d taken that for granted. “He really was. You would have loved him.”
He turned toward me so quickly it stole my breath, and only then did I realize what I’d admitted out loud. As foreign as it felt to admit something so personal, I didn’t regret the words once they exited my mouth. I let him wear that badge of honour—one no one else had the privilege to.
“My mom left me alone not long after my dad died,” I continued, quieter now. “But something strange happened when he died.” I glanced over at Nova. “He didn’t leave the insurance policy to my mother. He left it to me.”
A faint, almost sombre smile flitted across my lips. “He’d set me up before he ever knew I would need it.”
I sighed, the weight of it pressing down across my shoulders. “But I wasn’t able to access that policy until I became a legal adult.”
Asher bent to pick up a stick, tossing it for Nova to fetch. His jaw tightened, the timing clicking into place behind his beautiful blues before he finally asked, “You were young when your dad died, right?”
I nodded. “Yup. It would’ve been well over a decade before I could touch that money, which is why I was homeless throughout my teens.”
Asher’s face fell sombre. I could see it forming in his brain—the image of me at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. All the things that could have happened. All the things that probably had.
“Hey,” I said gently, trying to lighten the weight pressing down on him. “It’s okay.”
I didn’t want this moment to be a shared trauma. I didn’t want him to carry the weight of it like I had.
“When I finally gained access to that money, my dad had really set me up,” I continued. “He provided me with a life I could enjoy after everything terrible that happened. I didn’t have to work. I didn’t have to live with anyone else anymore. And now…” I glanced toward the opening of the lake. “Now I get to do this final stretch with more ease than I was ever gifted before.”
Silence stretched between us.
“Can I ask you something without sounding fucking morbid?” Asher asked carefully.
A quiet laugh slipped from me. As if there were anything Asher could say that would be deemed morbid or shock me. “You can ask me anything,” I encouraged him.
He dipped his head, the unease of the question visible in the way he hesitated. “I know you want to die, but what’s holding you back from…doing it?” He hesitated. “I mean—from all you’ve suffered—why go through all the trouble of this program? Not that I’m upset about it. I just…” He exhaled, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I’m asking.”
