I smiled faintly, aware of how uncomfortable the question made him. It was a painful nightmare that I didn’t want to sink into, but I could offer him the SparkNotes version.
“Well, my mom killed herself. Her body was found naked, covered in bodily fluids from all the men who violated her already-dead corpse.”
Asher’s hand jerked halfway to his mouth in horror. “Jesus, Lennon. I’m so sorry. That’s…that’s beyond fucked up. Who found her like that?”
The image forced itself into my brain, violating any peaceful thoughts without mercy. My eyes squeezed shut, the memory stabbing through me with the same desecration it always had.
“I did.”
The colour drained from his face, leaving him ghostly pale.
“Asher,” I said quietly, “don’t pity me. I don’t want the way you see me to change just because you discover things about my past—no matter how dark it gets.”
I reached for his hand, threading my fingers through his. I needed him to feel it—the resigned contentment with the way I was living out the rest of my life.
“Asher, there’s nothing left for me on this planet,” I said. “And if I’m being honest, this program gives me a relief I never thought I’d truly get.”
He bowed his head. “I don’t want to accept that.”
I leaned into him until our shoulders pressed firmly together, sealing our closeness. Nova seemed to sense the intimacy shift and settled in front of us, chewing on her stick. I glanced at her and smiled to myself.
“I know,” I murmured. “Before you came along, I had no friends. No family. No job—absolutely nothing. A half-assed apartment, a therapist, and fuck-all else to show for it.”
Moments passed with our shoulders still pressed together, neither of us budging for an inch of space.
Asher exhaled slowly. “You know, even though we’re on opposite sides of the same coin, I still feel so lost. So…empty. I had every friend under the sun, money I couldn’t spend fast enough. Decent parents. I was a star hockey player, and now—what? What am I?”
I turned to face him, immediately feeling the separation the moment our shoulders disconnected. Taking his hand, I said softly, “You’re you.”
My thumb brushed over his knuckles, “Something rare—wildly beautiful. The sun rising to brighten the night sky—the only light I’ve witnessed throughout the darkness. The only light in all the years since my dad left.”
He smiled, soft and genuine.
“Even though I feel lost and broken,” he said, “like my life can end at any given moment, I still want to live. It’s like life showed me every incredible thing it had to offer, and then ripped it all away in a single beat. The heaviness of that makes it hard to move on—but I do. And then I found you, Lennon.”
Heat rushed to my cheeks. A flutter crashed through my core, euphoria rippling through my brain.
And then it hit me.
I didn’t want to talk about dying while I was trying so desperately to live.
No—I wanted to feel everything I’d been denied.
I wanted to experience it with Asher.
I wanted all of it.
I lunged onto him, sending us both toppling off the stump we’d been sitting on. A flicker of embarrassment washed over me at the boldness of it, but it quickly vanished the second I saw the bright, surprised smile breaking across Asher’s face as he embraced my body against his.
Nova sprang up, bounded toward us and enthusiastically licked our faces. Our laughter echoed through the trees, infectious in the quiet of the forest.
This was Asher.
Happy.
Even with puppy slobber streaked across his cheek. Even while standing on death’s doorstep.
“I want to test out another—” I began.
