For some reason, that thought brought me an overwhelming sense of calm that I never knew I could feel.
Was I his someone? I knew he’d asked me, and I knew I felt it, too. But feelings could be deceiving. Feelings had a way of blowing smoke and doing sinister magic tricks. I refused to fall flat to that. I didn’t want him to make a mockery out of me when my mind and heart were already waging wars inside.
A tear slid down my cheek. Shocked, I wiped it away quickly. I couldn’t cry over him. No, I wouldn’t cry over any fucking man. I wouldn’t cry over anyone hurting me. No matter the delivery of hurt, it all sat comparably in my mind. No hurt was greater than the other anymore. I had lived through it all. The torture that it gifted took so much energy from me.
I was grateful for the date. My final date kept me in check. It grounded me.
Until we rotted.
Asher came walking out of the room, spotting me instantly.
“Have you seen this girl?” he teased lightly. “She’s blonde. About your height. Always with the most perfect scowl resting onher face. Claims she’s not falling madly for me and maybe…I’m falling madly for her.”
Without melting from the cute sentiment, my hand reached out and slapped the side of his cheek so hard that my palm stung instantly. The sound echoed. It fucking hurt, so I knew he would have been stunned.
“What the fuck—” he said angrily.
I shoved his chest away as hard as I could muster. “You fucking told me you were fine! You told me you were going to be okay, and you fucking lied!”
Asher’s brows creased. “What are you talking about? What’s happening right now, Lennon?”
I pointed to the room as if that would give it away. “Your mother, who runs this fucking program, by the way, just told me that hersonwas supposed todiethis year? That doesn’t sound fucking fine to me, now does it?”
His face went ghost white. “She—she said that?”
I scoffed. “Yes, she fucking did. Right as she was telling me about the pilot project or something that can prolong your life. Why did you lie? Did you know you were dying and knew I wanted to die, so you just wanted a fuck buddy for along the way?”
“No,” Asher said defensively. “Not even a little bit, Lennon. Why can’t you just believe me that I want you?”
“Because no one wants me!” I screamed.
The tear gates were unlocked, and I couldn’t stop them. I was crying. I was being vulnerable, and I hated it. Why was I doing this to myself? I didn’t want to let him in, but he just had a way of luring me in. Like he found a crack in the amour I have spent years building.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Asher reached out for me.
I flinched.
“What do you need right now?” he asked, steady, the calm in the storm. “I want you, and I know you want me, but you’re too stubborn to admit it. You don’t believe me right now, but one day I’ll change your mind. What do you need from me in the meantime?”
I shook my head, not knowing what the answer was.
He took that as an opening, slowly shrinking the space between us. When I didn’t move away, he hooked his fingers through my belt loops, pulling me close to him until his forehead was pressing against mine.
“What can I do, my beautiful little siren?” he whispered. “What can I do to make the pain go away right now?”
My breaths came jagged. Part of me wanted him. Part of me wanted to hurt him. Part of me didn’t care about the fight anymore.
“What I’m going to do,” he whispered softly, “is take you home, pick up some food for us and then I’m going to spend the night telling you everything you’ve ever wanted to know. No dodging. No bullshit.”
I nodded.
Maybe that was all I needed. Maybe I just needed my basic needs to be met with honesty from someone I was dying to trust.
He kissed my forehead, allowing his lips to imprint on my skin. Then his lips slid to my temple. Onto my cheek, and down to my jawline.
Asher moved his way to my ear to whisper, “Lennon, if I lived a hundred years, a hundred lifetimes, I would still search to find you in every miserable life that didn’t have you in it. So, if there’s anything that you can take at face value, know that I am here because I so desperately choose to be.”
