“My dad…he loved my mother. Adored her, worshipped her…cherished the ground she walked on. He loved her, beyond anything else in this world, that was the one thing I knew to be true. But, she didn’t love him in return. Not that she was terrible to him or anything like that, but—”
I stopped, remembering the way she looked at him. I was young, but even then, the dead look in her eyes told me everything.
I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed. “But, she didn’t love him in return. I could see it. I knew, I knew she didn’t. She liked having him because it was convenient. He took care of her, gave her money, bought her fancy things, provided her with a roof over her head, a car, whatever she wanted.”
Asher looked like he was dying to interject, but he still provided me the space to say what I needed to.
“But I’m not her.”
He looked into my eyes, a shift in what he wanted to say gleaming in them. He was proud to know that I wasn’t about to compare myself to the worst person I knew, yet shared DNA with.
“I know I love you, Asher,” I whispered, barely audible. A tear escaped my tear ducts before I could sweep it away.
“I know I love you because every decision I make, I think about you. I think about how it could impact you. If I go to therapy, don’t go to therapy. If I eat or don’t eat. If I use drugs or don’t use drugs…but the problem is, I still want to die more.”
Asher shook his head, devastated at my realization. “Babe, it will get better. Life will get better. Death was on your plan, but we took a detour…”
I was sobbing now.
“Asher, all I bring is pain. I am pain. I live painful memories. I feed off of those around me, and bring misery to the table. I am nothing, and you? You’re golden sunshine on a rainy day. You’re the ice pack on the burnt skin. Everything that you are, you have to work double just to bring me up to speed with you. How fair is that? I’ve been telling you for weeks now, I’m no good. I’m rotten, and I’m like the bad apple sitting next to you in the fruit bowl. You won’t make me better, I’ll just poison you, too.”
Asher refused to accept my pleas. “Lennon, I don’t even know a life without you anymore. I don’t know what kind of timeline I have on this Earth, but I want it with you. I know that’s selfish, and it’s not what you had in mind, but I don’t care. I want you, Lennon. I thought we said…until we rot?”
“I love you Asher, but I love the thought of death so much more,” I said with finality.
It was selfish of me, and painful to spout the words, but it was my truth.
Asher stood up abruptly. “Okay, then.”
Panic surged.
“W-What do you mean, okay then?”
“I mean, okay then. You’ve made your decision. I fucking hate it, but it’s not mine to make.”
He moved toward the doorway to leave me. The thought of him leaving sent me into a spiral.
“Asher, wait,” I called out.
He turned.
“Do you want to stay with me?” he asked with only sadness in his heart. The question was earnest with no judgment.
I almost lied, but thought better of it.
“I do…until I go,” I offered.
He closed his eyes briefly.
“That’s what I thought, little siren. I have to steer away before your song kills me, too.”
Just like that, he vanished out into the hospital hallway. The nurse closed the door behind him, eyeing me to ensure I stayed put in my bed.
And I was alone.
Lennon
Six weeks later
