Four
There have been some rumours of Loric and what conspired between us after our engagement.I will tell this part of it as well, for there was a conspiracy, but not the kind they say.It was Loric who told me of our betrothal, though I didn’t need to be told.I knew by my father’s expression and the way Dayne had avoided my eyes.
Still, as the hunting horses were stabled and my father and Gentlesir Waldmire chatted joyfully, Loric asked me to walk with him outside the grounds.I was never invited somewhere alone with a man, so this was another way I knew.He offered his arm, and I took it, and we walked outside the gate, along the raised wooden path that let workers come and go without sinking in the mud.There was nothing to see—the fog was too heavy—the black walls behind us were nearly invisible after a few paces into the blue-green haze.It wasn’t custom for a new couple to leave kepen grounds for this kind of conversation, but Loric took me anyway.This, I think, makes clear his character.I think it was privacy he was seeking.Not for himself, but for me.
We entered the woods—another thing not often done.Woodlands were unsafe, wild territory filled with sorceresses and brigands, certainly not a place for goldkeepers.But I would later come to know that Loric was fond of hunting and found the woodlands soothing.The trees were laced with hints of gold and orange, whispering about the autumn to come.
I wasn’t accustomed to walking on uneven ground, and I nearly tripped.Loric held his hands out to steady me.This was something of an ordeal for me.Goldkeepers were, understandably, not to be touched.So to feel a man’s hands on my ribs, even though he held me with as little force as necessary, felt like stepping into a fire.
Yes.Fine.I liked being held by him.Why is that such a crime?Compared to all else that a person could do?
There was the belief in my country that untouched women were somehow better than touched ones.I would like to point out the inherent pain in this.It is painful for the women, of course.But it’s also painful for the men.To believe that they could ruin something simply by setting their hands on it… that is an understanding of self that must be haunting, terrorizing.That is a belief that would make a man sick, don’t you think?
He walked with me until we came across an honesty vine, curling tightly around a dying tree.He recited the words of his order.I recited mine.Again, with no thoughts at all about signing my life away to a stranger.That is what people should be enraged by, not the gentleness of his touch.
He presented me with a single gold coin, polished and beautifully carved.
I took the coin, wondering if I was imaging the emotion on his face—the weight of his brows… he appeared concerned.Worried maybe.I took the coin from him and lifted it to my mouth, intending to hide it behind my lips, thereby accepting the arrangement of us by our orders and offering to forgo my next meal and keep silent for the sake of hiding his gold.It was a show of my commitment, but Loric broke the performance.He uttered a phrase outside the prescribed words.“Gentlewoman?—”
I halted, watching him.
“It would perhaps… or I…” He looked down to his boots, then back up at me.“I expect there will be a great many conversations when we return to the kepen.I might benefit by having some help in answering to them all.”
He was giving me permission to hide the coin elsewhere, to eat and speak throughout the evening.A highly unusual kindness within our orders, one that maybe cracked me a little inside because I wasn’t used to kindness.
“Very well,” I said, tucking the coin into the knot of hair at the back of my head.I turned showing the back of my hair to him.“You cannot see it?”
“Not at all, Gentlewoman.”
When I turned back to face him, he caught me with his gaze, with his earnestness.
“I… I intend to make your life gentle,” he said.“In all the ways that I can.If there’s anything… anything you require, please ask.”
I nodded and, again, because I wasn’t used to kindness or so much unprescribed conversation, something in me relaxed that had not been relaxed in a long time.“No piercings,” I said quickly, surprising myself with the desire.In my country, it is common upon the marriage of two bodies and families for the man to request piercings—more places to hide gold, you see?The lips, brows, nose, ears, tongue—whichever he prefers and however many he prefers.Wealthy men had wives with faces full of gold.
My face flushed.“Or… only if it would please you.Perhaps I am just fearing the pain?—”
“It is done, Gentlewoman.”
We stood, staring at each other as I felt a river’s worth of feelings.This cannot be real.
I suppose, by sharing this moment, I am saying that you may speak poorly of me, but I will not allow you to speak poorly of Loric.That man has only ever done what he could to provide other people with ease.And he has suffered enough for it without your silly tavern songs.
Five
There were indeed many conversations to be had when Loric and I returned to the kepen.And already we had a few small secrets between us.Bonding us further was the realization that we were both immensely uncomfortable with the constant wishes of fertility.We looked to each other often, knowing without needing to say more that we each were a little embarrassed by the ordeal, by the line of people waiting to congratulate us for nothing other than doing what we’d been told.
Though I must say, I felt great pleasure when my mother’s turn came, and I opened my coin-less mouth and thanked her with my own voice.Her face full of piercings barely changed, but I knew she was bothered by the lack of constraint.In truth, I think she enjoyed anytime I was restricted or uncomfortable.I think it made her feel like a good mother and a devoted member of the order.
All the while, Loric sat just to my left, and I could feel the warmth of him with my shoulder.
The evening was long, and we had the same conversation with most everyone who lived or worked in the kepen.Well, everyone except for Dayne.He had no well wishes for us, but he came to collect me in the middle of the evening when the iron in my gown was grinding against my shoulders, and my back was burning.
I turned to Loric.“I will retire with your permission, Gentlesir.”
“Of course.”He stood, offering his arm for my left hand and his hand for my right hand.He helped me stand against the weight of my gown.And he didn’t let go of me until Dayne was supporting me as well.I obsessed over this as Dayne and I entered the dim corridor, the evening’s candles burnt to stumps or else burned out.
Dayne was patient with me as we walked, taking the stairs slowly, resting twice before reaching the top.I’d been wearing my gown for more than twelve hours.
