His lips trailed down my neck, and I even forgave myself for a moment.Nothing bad could come from something so good, I thought.Right?I leaned into his body, sliding my hands down his chest, my fingers crawling beneath his tunic to the warmth of his skin.
“I was being very serious,” he whispered into my neck.“When I said I would do as you tell me.”
Tears welled in my eyes, and I pulled my face away from him, looking up at him.“I will never see my brother again.”
“You can.I will help you if you wish.”
I shook my head.“You say you understand the Land of Mud and Mist, but you do not.If you did, you would know I cannot go back.”
Fell smirked.“I could capture him and bring him here for a visit, just as I brought you.And then take him home.”
I laughed, but it was a pitiful one.
“You need days to be sorrowful,” Fell whispered.
I nodded.My throat swelled and tasted of salt.“You do, too.”
He set his forehead against mine.“But I would not have you think I feel regret; I do not.”
To breathe in his smell, to have his arms around me… we walked to his room, hand-in-hand, and spent the day in bed.I cried on and off, and he traced shapes along my arms, and we kept our faces and bodies close.He didn’t cry, but he didn’t smile either, which was more of his pain than he’d shown me before.
In some ways it was terrible, but in others, it was beautiful.We spent our first shared day after finding out we would be parents grieving together.
Twenty-Nine
My situation quickly revealed a side of King Arik few people saw.He was an obsessive man by nature.No one would deny that.But rarely was he obsessed with individual people.My wellbeing became his entire focus.
This was adorable for about three days, then it became irritating.Then it became highly problematic paranoia slowing almost all the work the court did in a given day.
Was my food fresh enough?
Ought I stretch to encourage the child to be tall?
Should this whole conversation happen outside, where the light of the sun could enter my eyes and brighten my womb?
Fell laughed at Arik’s eagerness.“The only thing the child needs is a calm mother, and if there are too many requirements of her, she will not be calm.So stop pestering her.”
Ivar was unable to laugh.His workload had tripled.His eyes were always darting around, his mind anticipating requests from King Arik before they came.As court healer, his tasks were two-fold.First, he needed to appease the king, responding to all requests and answering endless questions about wombs and the way the spark of life became flesh.Second, he was truly trying to ensure me and my child to be were healthy.He had the sense to keep some of his concerns quiet, whispering to me about hawthorn tea when King Arik was distracted for a moment.He claimed I had a scarred heart.He wanted me to speak to someone about my mother.He wanted me to sit as he pulled past pains out of me through my temples.Most of his suggestions were too superstitious or witchy for me to take seriously.He begged me.“Please, Mira.If anything happens to this child, Arik’s rage against me will be as powerful as the sky itself.”
I had two “soup sisters,” Gerd and Hrund, who would take turns guarding my cauldron in the kitchens.One was always near, pestering me to have at least a small cup of broth while King Arik shouted at someone or other about playing a song that was too sad for me to hear, about not cleaning up spilled mead instantly because what if I slipped?
Fell’s role became beating people away from me, fighting with everyone to give me a moment’s peace.Every time he succeeded, I loved him more.I dreamt of gentle sea creatures who floated slowly toward me, curious about me.I dreamt of bear cubs.I played the prettiest songs I knew for hours, setting the frame of my lyre against my stomach so I could feel the vibration of it with my skin.
Besides myself and Fell, the only person not thrilled or in a flurry of panicked service to King Arik was Jorn.Indeed, he seemed less interested in me than ever before.He seemed annoyed with everyone’s fussing.Standoffish even.
There was an afternoon King Arik asked if anything could be read about the child-to-be, and Jorn very nearly rolled his eyes.“I have told you, most will not be set until the birth.”
“Most!You saidmost!I will have what can be known now.”
I almost wasn’t listening to them.I was in a dreamy state, studying the flickering of a candle flame, the sweet smell of beeswax especially wonderful to me.I absentmindedly wove my fingers through the threads of the rug I lay on.I was so tired…
Jorn snorted and said, “The child will be trouble, like their father.”
“Now, Jorn, do not be dragging me into—” Fell started.
But Ivar and Hrund were already laughing.
Jorn continued.“The child will always have many strong people around them.”
