Lila considers this. "What does your gut say?"
"That Calder's scared. Not of me, of himself. His fear is surfacing in small ways. His desperate hug tonight, the worry in his eyes."
"You think he's going to pull back." It's not a question. Lila sees it too.
"Maybe. I don't know." I set down my mug before I spill it. "He's so afraid of becoming what he ran away from. What if that fear makes him run again?"
"Would that change how you feel about him?"
The question catches me off-guard. "No. But it would hurt."
"Then that's your answer about the heat." Lila sits beside me on the bed and takes my hand. "You're already in this deep, Elowen. Alone or together, your heat is going to be affected by what you feel for them. You can't un-feel it to stay safe."
"I know."
"So maybe the question isn't 'what's safest.' Maybe it's 'what do I actually want.'"
I look at her. Really look. "When did you get so wise?"
"I've always been wise. You're just usually too stubborn to notice." She squeezes my hand. "For what it's worth? I thinkyou should tell them what you want. All of it. The scared parts and the wanting parts. Let them show you who they are when it matters."
"And if Calder runs?"
"Then he wasn't ready. And it might hurt, but it wouldn't be your fault." She bumps her shoulder against mine. "I don't think he will. I've seen how he looks at you. That's not a man planning to run. That's a man trying very hard not to cage someone he loves."
Loves.
"It's too soon for that," I whisper.
"Is it?" Lila stands and picks up her mug. "Seems to me like you’ve been building up to this since the moment you met. The timeline doesn't matter. What matters is whether it's real."
“What about…” I take a deep breath and release it slowly. Lila doesn’t know that I spoke to Gideon either. “The omegas who died.”
“Have you had your health checks?”
“Yes.”
“But…?”
“But what if Gideon Stockwell is right?”
“Elowen, your heat will happen no matter what you believe, but I don’t think you should base your choices on someone else’s fears.”
She heads for the door. Pauses with her hand on the knob.
"Get some sleep. Decide what you want. Then tell them." She grins. "And maybe invest in some good noise-canceling for your neighbors, because if you choose pack heat, the whole hall's going to know about it."
"Lila!"
"Just saying!" She slips out, laughing.
I sit in the sudden quiet. Staring at my half-finished tea.
But maybe Lila's right. Maybe safety isn't the goal anymore. Maybe the goal is building something real, even if real comes with risk.
22
ELOWEN
