“Then are you willing to take that risk and believe in him? Because, he’s likely feeling just as much pressure for everyone to see him as more than what he’s been in the past. That’s got to be hard too. Don’t give up on him before he has the chance to prove himself.”
Sydney and Jane sigh and nod.
“This seems to be more of a margarita night than a wine night. I fucked up…” Jane announces into her drink.
We all laugh, thankful for the break in the conversation. When they all leave, I crawl into bed, sinking into the comfort with my book in hand, but instead of turning on my lamp so that I can read, I pull out my phone.
Maybe we just need to lay it all out there.
Me: Have you been all in your head about all of this as much as I have these past few days?
Bubbles appear to say he’s typing, but they disappear. They start again a minute later then disappear. The anxiety in my stomach is insane.
My phone lights up with a phone call, a picture of our whole group from the wedding day appears since I don’t have just one of Mark alone. I teeter on the line of not answeringbecause I’m struggling with the idea of openly voicing this conversation.
“Hey…”
“What’s got you all up in your head, Firecracker?”
“You. This…Us…”
Shit, I said it. Is there even anus?
The other end of the line is quiet. So quiet.
“I know it feels like a lot. Our dynamic… It did a three-sixty,” he says softly.
I hum in agreement. I’m having a hard time with words. I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I didn’t think about it first.
“Did I do something to change your mind about me?” he asks, sounding nervous. Vulnerable. My stomach drops. That is not where I wanted this to go.
“No,” I whisper across the line. “I just needed to know that I’m not the only one who’s scared of change.”
He blows out a long breath, and it sounds like he just flopped back on his bed.
“No, you aren’t the only one who’s scared,” he whispers back.
This is our thing.
This is how we expose our deepest feelings.
In the dark.
“Tell me what you’re scared of, and I’ll tell you what I fear,” he says quietly.
I take a deep breath.
“I’m scared you won’t truly want me once you have me. I’m scared I won’t be enough for you.”
“I want nothing more than to go back to that grocery store and punch him in the face for the things he’s put in your mind.”
The darkness of my room swallows my giggle. I’m glad he at least understands that it’s more about my past than it is just about his.
“Your turn.”
“I’m scared you won’t give me the proper chance to prove myself to you. I’m scared that my past will always hang over my head. I’m scared that I won’t be able to make you happy because my whole life I’ve never been enough for anyone else, family included. I understand the whole ‘not feeling like enough’ better than you think.”
Ooof.So is this where everything likely stemmed from? Has he turned his life upside down because he was trying to prove something?
