I thought I had him. IwishedI had him. Someone just for me, to hold me at night, to kiss me in the mornings, to smile at my stupid jokes and whisper softly in my ear when my mind drifts away.
I was so desperate. I wanted him to love me so badly that I forgot what I did — how I destroyed him. How could I ever believe he could love me again? That he could be my safe space after everything I did?
How could he ever love someone as rotten as me?
I don’t know how long I walk. Time isn’t real anymore. There’s just shadows whispering lullabies inside my head. Promising to take away this sorrow.
There’s finally silence in my mind when I see it — the bridge.
I remember crossing it last night, nerves coiled tight in my chest. I had a bad feeling. An itch beneath my skin. But then he held me, pulled me into his lap, and whispered something soft in my ear. Kissed me. And everything felt safe again. Familiar.
Loved. I felt loved.
He was right, though. I am stupid. I am all the things he said. A fool dressed in hope, begging for scraps of affection.
But at least I gave him what he wanted. I gave him his revenge. Maybe it’s the only good thing I’ve done in this lifetime.
I don’t pause. Don’t hesitate.
The water below is black and waiting.
I climb over the railing.
And jump.
The river doesn’t welcome me. It punishes me with a violent hug made of knives. My lungs seize, and I gasp. Icy water fills me, freezing my insides. But I don’t fight it, I let go. I embrace it.
Let the weight of me disappear. Let silence bloom.
As I sink, my last thought isn’t of anger or pain.
It’s of him.
I see his smile. The real one, from before. From back then. The one he gave me when we first met. When I thought maybe — Ihopedmaybe — he was my miracle.
But he wasn’t.
I killed that boy. And today, the monster I created killed me.
15. Lost
Ghost
Ican’t stop throwing up. It’s like my body’s trying to purge the guilt, the grief, the poison of what I just did — but it’s not working. Nothing helps. I’m trapped in this loop of horror and disbelief, my head spinning, stomach clenching over and over.
I hear Bones saying something. I know it’s him. But it’s like I’m underwater, miles beneath the surface, and every sound is muffled. Warped. Distant. People are moving. Voices. Shadows. I can’t focus on any of them.
What the fuck have I done?
My body convulses again. My chest won’t expand. I’m gasping, but it’s not air that fills my lungs — it’s panic. Like I’m drowning with no end in sight.
A hand touches my shoulder.
Everything freezes. Time splinters. A second as long as an eternity passes through me.
That hand is too familiar.
Bones.
