Then there’s Suga.
I’m embarrassed to admit how attractive I find Suga. He just somehow hits every single one of my buttons. He’s got these really expressive eyebrows, dark hair, and great eyes. He’s strong but lanky. Sometimes he does these drawing streams where he shows his hands and fucking hell. The amount of times I’ve grown hard while watching is downright pathetic.
Plus, he’s an asshole. Just like me.
I find myself smiling at my computer screen, remembering what happened earlier in the stream. The Nanio Ninjas, the team of professional volleyball players that Maki is part of, played a silly match against the streamers, their partners, and Pally, one of Blue’s mods. It was hilarious to see just how awful they were.
Suga ended up leaping up and attempting a spike. He was so off balanced that he ended up chest first in the net. When he landed on his feet, somehow one of his arms was snagged through a hole in the net. He started flailing around, wrapping himself up even worse until Daniel, the captain of the volleyball team, had to help get him out.
What thefuckdoes it say about me that I found the entire thing endearing?
Gods, what iswrongwith me?
“First question,” Wizard says, reading from his laptop. He clears his throat. “Okay so, here’s the thing. I’m in love with my best friend. We grew up next to each other and have known each other since we were three. I’ve been in love with him since middle school. Now, we’re both adults, work in the same place, and the worst part, or maybe the best part depending on how you look at it, is that we’re roommates. Our lives are so intertwined I don’t know where I start and he begins. What should I do? Any and all advice is very welcome! Signed, hopelessly in love.”
“Jesus Christ,” Suga murmurs, rubbing at his eyes. “Okay, so we’re jumping straight in, huh? No easing us in. No lube. Just straight to fucking us with the tough questions.”
Snow sputters while Rodney just chuckles.
“Does the donation have a username?” Maki murmurs, looking at Wizard seriously.
“It does but I’m not saying it out loud.”
“Sounds familiar,” Maki says with a shrug while Blue nudges his shoulder into his boyfriend. He leans down, covering his mouth as he says something to Maki, the mic not picking it up.
“Okay,” Rodney says, turning serious. “This sounds like a really tricky situation because on the one hand, if they don’t feel the same way, it has the potential to make things awkward. On the other hand, you’ve known each other forsolong. Do you really think telling him how you feel will actually change things between you? You’ve seen each other through way more embarrassing things than awkward I love you’s. You saw each other during pre-teen, hormonal changes, through puberty, through adulthood. Surely, your relationship can handle this too. My vote is to tell him how you feel.”
“Any relationship takes communication,” Maki agrees with me with a nod.
Suga wrinkles his nose. “Can’t believe we’re starting with a love question. Gross.”
“Well,” Blue says, nudging Suga. “What do you think they should do?”
“I genuinely think that living in the ‘what if’ limbo is worse than hell. You should tell him, that way youknowone way or another because the what if will eventually eat you alive.”
“That’s so wise of you,” Rodney says with a grin.
Suga rolls his eyes, the sight making the smallest smile tick up against my lips. “Whatever. I do have some follow up questions I wish we could have answered. I wanna know how living together works. I wanna know why they’ve waited this long to talk about their feelings. I’d also really like to know where they work. How the hell did they tangle their lives so thoroughly without either of them being like ‘hmm maybe this is a bit codependent and we should just kiss instead of invading each other’s lives so thoroughly’.”
Blue starts laughing his ass off. “There’s our asshole,” he says, turning towards Azaad who nods, reading the next question.
“This one comes from a tired barista. They wanna know what’s the best way to tell someone their coffee order makes them an asshole without them getting fired.”
That brings everyone into a lively discussion about customer service and how anyone who fucks with server workers are assholes. Then they get creative, thinking of ways to tell someone they suck without saying they suck.
I keep a few of their ideas at the back of my mind for the next time I have to help out my dads.
I curl up even further, bringing my feet up onto my chair and resting my face against my knees. I’m way too big to be fitting in my chair like this, but I somehow make it work. The soundof everyone’s voices washes over me and my eyes start blinking heavily.
One particular question has me snapping back to attention.
“I hope this question is okay,” Azaad reads, his voice going soft. “What would you say to someone coming to terms with being an alpha who’s attracted to other alphas? Signed, Alpha Lover Apparently.”
My breath catches and I suddenly feel wide awake. My heart feels like it’s going to worm its way up into my throat, my hands tightening around my legs.
It doesn’t matter what any of them say to this question. It doesn’t, because I’m confident in who I am. I’m hard around the edges. I get mad too quickly and come across as an asshole more times than not. I’m aggressive when I see something I like. In the bedroom, I like to fight and bite and scratch. I like it rough and dirty. I don’t want soft and that’s why I’ve always found myself drawn to other alphas, men who can take what I enjoy giving out.
I’ve been burned in the past so I don’t trust easily. I keep walls upon walls around myself in order to keep myself safe. Ilikebeing alone.
