Not because he failed to mention something kind of big, I’m not very happy about that, but it’s not enough to make me cry like a baby.
Neither is the cute little boy headbutting his goat. Adorable, but not a tearjerker.
Watching Ransom pick up his daughter and Superman her above his head, his princess laughing and squealing while heflies her through the air… That is choking me up, and it would have even if I knew about them ahead of time.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t know about them just like I didn’t know this fair was a thing, so it’s safe to say I never planned on being here right now, watching such a sweet moment between father and daughter, either.
Then again, I didn’t plan foranythingthat’s happened in the last few hours.
I rest my chin on my knees and smile through my silent tears as Ransom kisses his baby before putting her down and taking her hand, then clearly lets her lead him to their next bit of fun.
It’s really cute, and very out of character for him, but it’s making me cry.
I haven’t exactlystoppedcrying since I left the barn, so it’s not like it was going to take much for a fresh wave to hit me.
God, I’m such a fucking mess.
I can almost hear Styx now, telling me that it’s okay to be a mess. If anyone else was in a situation like this, they’d be a mess, too. He is a perfect beta; the calming voice of reason, the caretaker, the observer who’s in sync with all of us.
I know deep down that he’d be right.
If he was here, giving me a pep talk and trying to get me to calm down, saying it makes sense to feel the way I do.
It’s a good thing he’s not, though, because I don’t want to hear it.
I just want to be upset. I want to be a mess. I want to lose my shit and come apart for a little while so that maybe I can begin processing what I just learned.
Then again, I’m not really sure I’ll ever be able to fully get a handle on the mind fuck of finding out members of my bonded pack are the ones who murdered members of my dead one.
I’ve been trying to figure out what happened, the who and why of what felt like a senseless attack, for such a long fucking time, and getting some of those answers so abruptly has my head spinning. It would even if it wasn’t Niko and Dimitri.
That all-consuming vendetta, the plan of avenging Dante, Jay and Emery, it was the only thing keeping me alive for two goddamn years. Things may have shifted and changed as I found my true pack, my fated pack, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like my only mission was to get revenge for what I lost, forwhoI lost, and that piece of the puzzle was basically handed to me on a silver platter by the last people I thought would be involved.
What’s worse than that? Than feeling like my entire purpose for breathing just came to a screeching halt?
I don’t actually feel as bad as I probably should.
Yes, I feel terrible about Emery, Dante, and Jay. I will always feel terrible about how senseless their deaths were, and how there wasn’t any way to stop them from happening. But I couldn’t have stopped them, I know that, and I should have died, too. I used to be so fucking angry that I didn’t. I was pissed that they left me alone, that we were robbed of whatever our future was supposed to be, but I can’t go back and change things, and I’m at a point where I don’t want to. Losing our baby is something I’m not sure I’ll ever let go of. It still hurts, but it’s a different kind of pain. One I can live with, one I’ve accepted and know happened for a reason, and I don’t necessarily feel badly about that anymore. I’ve embraced that pain as a reminder, as an example of how I can and will continue no matter how hard things get, and I will never forget the tiny, beautiful being who was going to make me a mother and let me give them the life I never had. Our baby taught me so much, more than I even realized at the time, and I will never forget the pain that comes with that.
And yeah, the survivor’s guilt I’ve had for the last few years has shifted into something else entirely now that I know who was responsible for those deaths. It still feels shitty, I still feel bad but having that regret shift from surviving when I shouldn’t have to feeling almost responsible for what happened isn’t why I don’t think I’m feeling the way I should be right now.
I’m fuckingrelieved.
I’m relieved to have some of the answers I’ve been searching for, relieved I don’t have to fail my first pack by never finding them. Part of me feels a little responsible for their demise since the execution of it was carried out by two of my soul-bonded mates, but the longer I’ve been sitting here thinking about it, the less I feel that way.
Dimitri and Nikoweredoing their job. They didn’t know us from Adam, it wasn’t personal or anything other than an ordered hit they had to follow through on, and I know that’s true. I know it because they gain nothing from lying to me or our pack, they have no reason to hide what happened and frankly, they couldn’t if they wanted to. I can sense the truth in my mates, right down to my bones, so there is no doubt in my mind that it was just another day at work for them.
Which is where the inaccurate emotions come into play even more.
I’m relieved, and I’m not mad, or upset with Niko and D. Not anymore.
I was, don’t get me wrong. That was way too shocking not to lose my goddamn mind over, but blaming them as if they knowingly murdered my first pack, as if it was some personal attack against us, is irrational at best, fucking insane at worst. Not to mention, I love Niko and Dimitri, Styx, Rune, and Leon way too much to let a shockingly horrible coincidence dictate our future.
As if that thought lifted the black cloud looming over my life, the one I've been living every moment under, just waiting for the storm to hit and take me out of this world, a lot longer than I want to admit, I realize I’ve stopped crying. And I’m smiling.
Thinking about a future with those men, wondering what else fate has in store for us, it’s calming, it’s real, and it makes me fucking happy.
