Nothing but a memory that I will hold tightly in my chest, keeping it safe right along with them.
I reverently touch their faces before letting my fingers ghost over their silly sketches and meaningful love notes then I seal it up tight and pack that along with the envelopes in my bag.
Once I zip up the duffle, I do a slow spin around my room, making sure I have everything I need until the next time I’m here, my gaze landing on the weighted blanket I received when I graced the doors of Omega’s Haven with my broken and bleeding self.
I’ll bring that, too.
My nest can stay. I don’t like the idea of uprooting it, and I think it would give me too much anxiety to bring those things into a new place that isn’t completely permanent. Besides, starting from scratch hasn’t bothered me before. Not in the same way it might anyone else. I’ve had to do it so many damn times that it seems more normal to have to rebuild my nest than it does to have a fixed one.
The drawings can stay, too. Benji already gave me one for my trip, and he plans on giving me a new one each time I come backand leave again, so all of our joint artwork can remain tacked to the walls of my room for now.
Aside from that, it doesn’t really look like anyone has been living here at all, let alone for two years. That’s just how I am though and I don’t think anything will change it.
I’m a nomad through thick or thin.
All that’s left now is to find Aisling and make sure I can take scent blockers and heat suppressants with me, and have a way to get more if I stay away from the shelter longer than planned.
“We’re going to take a walk,” Aisling says when she sees me enter the outreach portion of Omega’s Haven. “Let’s go to my office and I’ll give you temporary exit paperwork.”
I frown, confused because I wasn’t aware of any type of paperwork. Signing in and out, sure. Making an effort to be more open and accountable to the people who’ve been helping me by keeping them in the loop? Yeah, that makes sense. Actual paperwork? I have no clue. My feet move in her direction anyway. She’s not given me any reason to distrust her, which means I’m willing to see what she’s about.
Once I’m sitting down, she relaxes into her own chair.
“Sorry, I wanted to give you privacy for this. There's actually not any paperwork to complete,” Aisling explains. “A friend of mine was able to get you two months of scent blockers, alpha pheromone blockers, and heat suppressants. The heat suppressants can be hit or miss because they are street drugs, but he got you the best he could. You’ll have cramping but not have the need for knots. I’m sorry there’s not much better available.”
A shot of fear slides through my veins, but I tell myself this is way better than feeling the pain and betrayal of slick and desire where I shouldn’t anymore. Not when my pack is gone.
“When should I take them? Is there a schedule so they’re most effective?” I ask.
“The scent blockers are as you need them, which means that I suggest that you take one in the morning, and then keep some with you in case you feel the need to take another,” she says.
Aisling’s eyes are gentle as the unspoken words ring out between us and I nod. “In case I get turned on.”
I really can’t imagine this happening to me, and just the idea feels wrong. In case hell freezes over is more like it, but I need to know these things and she needs to know I understand.
“On the other hand, the alpha blockers I suggest taking if you know you’ll be around them. It can get overwhelming to be in a room with them, and it feels as if your skin is too tight,” Aisling says, shuddering. “Finally, you’ll want to take the heat suppressants every day at the same time, and only take one. Your room will be here whenever you’re ready to return. We have plenty of space here, and it’s growing as we find the need for it, okay?”
“Thank you,” I rasp. “This place is a miracle. I’ve seen everything you’ve managed to achieve here, and I’m so grateful for all of it.”
Aisling’s eyes get misty as she smiles at me. “Wren and I created this place so omegas like you and Meghan would have a safe place to land,” she says. “This is your home for as long as you need, okay?”
I give her another nod as I get to my feet and debate hugging her.
That’s not really my style, I’ve never been hugely affectionate with people outside of my pack and even then it took a while for me to get comfortable with it. Between the way I grew up just outside of Skaneateles and everywhere after, I wasn’t exactly shown any kind of positive attention. Hugging was like some trick that was played in order to get me close enough to do something horrible instead.
Aisling isn’t like that. I know she isn’t, and neither is anyone else here. I’m safe, and everyone I’ve met only wants the best for me.
It doesn’t change who I am, though.Unfortunately.
So, I make this as awkward as possible without even trying by staring at Aisling for a few moments, my nose stinging as she retrieves my medications and waits for me to take them.
I feel like I owe her something. Anything. Her and Wren, everyone who designed this place and nurtured it until it grew into what it is now. I feel like there has to be a way to thank her, to show her how much I appreciate my time already spent here and knowing I have the option to come back when I’m ready. They’ve done more for me in two years than anyone has in my entire thirty-two years living, but how do I say thank you for saving my life when I didn’t really want to live to begin with?
Aisling gives me a soft smile, my answer swimming in the unshed tears in her eyes. “I’ll see you in a couple months, okay?”
I clear my throat and nod, wiping my palms on my thighs before I reach for the meds. “Yeah. Definitely. I’ll be back before you know it.”
Hopefully, anyway.
