“So you want to let what might end up being the love of your life walk away without trying?”
“You make it sound so idiotic.”
“Because it is.” She took my hand, and directed her gaze at my fingers. She washed her thumb back and forth across my knuckles. It was hard not to notice what was different about this scenario—her big, fat honking ring. “Look. I get it. If anybody gets it, I do. What you and I went through was not normal. What Mom and Dad went through was not normal. All of it has messed with our heads, especially when it comes to relationships. But at some point, you have to look past it.”
“I thought you were going to say I have to let it go. Everything with Mom.”
Amy released my hand and reached over to the coffee table for her glass. “I’ve decided that letting it go is unrealistic. It's always going to be there. And acting like the cheating and the accident didn't happen is a mistake. All we can do is try to see what's on the other side of that. It will never go away.”
Maybe that was my problem—I was still clinging to this irrational hope that someday, it would all suddenly become okay and acceptance would sink in. Or maybe I was hoping that someone would tell me I'd imagined the whole thing. There were parts of that day, things that were said that still hadn't come to light, one thing in particular that I hadn't shared with anyone. It was still locked away inside my head, the things Mom had said. I suspected that continuing to hold on to them might be part of the reason I had such a hard time moving forward, but the secrets from that day were not easily shared. People would get hurt. And all these years later, I was still wrestling with whether it was all true, or just angry words from a mom who felt betrayed by her oldest daughter. Her baby. “I guess I see what you're saying.”
“At some point, I had to realize that Luke wasn't trying to trick me or hurt me or torture me. He was just trying to love me. He wanted to be with me. And that it's okay for me to say yes to that. It was okay to let it be as simple as that.”
“And you think I should do that with Eamon.”
“I think you'll regret it forever if you don’t.”
I slumped back on the couch and rested my hands on my belly. “I guess I have a lot to think about, huh?”
“I still can't believe you never told me about him. I always thought that we would tell each other everything.”
The weight of her words was impossible to ignore. If anything, it felt as if they were designed to chip a chunk out of my heart. “Have you ever had a secret that was so bizarre that it didn't feel real? Like it didn't feel possible, so you just didn't tell anyone at all?”
Amy sat back, deep in thought. “I don't think so. But I don't feel like bizarre things happen to me. Most things seem pretty self-explanatory. And Eamon is not a bizarre secret. He's an amazing one.”
That hadn't been what I was getting at, at all, but it wasn't fair for me to veil what I was saying. I had to just forget it like I had for twenty-two years. What good would it do now, anyway? I could live with the burden a few more decades and let it die deep inside me. It wouldn't have to hurt anyone that way. It could just quietly go away.
“So? Are you going to call him?”
“I think so, but I'm not entirely sure. I think I'll wait a day or two. He's busy, anyway. I'm sure he'll hardly notice.”
“Don't act like a lame guy. Don't play hard to get.”
“I’m not doing that. At all.”
“It sounds like you are. Just call him, Katherine. Just call him.”
I waitedthree days to call Eamon. That seemed reasonable, despite Amy's assertion that I was acting like a lame guy. I didn't want there to be anything rash or desperate about me making this phone call. Still, the pressure was on. This was my agreement with the notion of trying. This was a commitment, and it was weighty given our history. There were expectations, tacit and not. I never wanted to hurt Eamon. Ever.
The call rang five times and then I got his voicemail.It’s Eamon. Leave a message, will ya?
“Eamon. Hi. It's me. I'm sorry it took me so long to call.” Why, exactly, had it taken me so long? Was Amy's persuasion that slow acting? “I’ve been crazy busy at work—”
The other line beeped. I looked at the screen on my phone. It took a few seconds for it all to compute—hang up and accept new call.
“Katherine. So sorry.” Eamon had that breathless thing going on again. Just like that morning at the Four Seasons, he was always rushing about, a bit disorganized, like a very sexy absentminded professor. “Couldn't find my bloody phone.”
“Slow down. It's fine. I'm here.”
“I didn't want to miss you.”
I sighed so heavily you'd have thought he was reciting lines fromWuthering Heights. “You're so sweet when you're like this.”
“Like what?”
“Concerned about me.”
“I’m always concerned about you. Even when I was an ocean away, I was concerned about you, Katherine. We talked about this the other day.”
