Sitting in the snow was only a fraction of what it had been like in the back seat of that car. I was there for hours, crying, whimpering, and wondering if anyone would ever find us or if this was the fate we were destined for. Or even worse, the fate I had set in motion. I didn’t know what to think. So much of what I loved was gone. And it felt like the cold was coming for everything that was left.
“Katherine. Katherine. Stop for a minute. Listen to me.”
I heard Eamon's voice, but it was like I was drowning or someone had their hands over my ears. If I hadn’t had his accent to guide me, I wouldn't have known it was him. My breaths shuddered out of my throat, and I gulped it back in, but I was desperate for air. More air. The trees, the snow and ground were tilting and pitching and coming at me. The cold clawed my lungs. It seeped into my legs and pulled on my body like an angry sea.
Something else was pulling on me, tugging me away, but I couldn't see where it was. I was nearly blind, everything around me a million shades of black and shadows now. But then there was heat on my cheek. Then my forehead. And finally my back. I keeled into it. I clung to it. I had to have more.
“Katherine. Talk to me, darling.”
The way his words hit my ears, it felt like my head popped up out of the ocean. Eamon was the warmth. He was the one saving me from the snow and cold. He was saving me from myself. “I’m sorry. I'm so sorry.” Tears had nearly frozen my eyes shut. “That's why I am the way I am. And I didn't tell you because I thought it would mean I wasn'tSunny Girl. I'm not some happy-go-lucky person. I don't know that I can give you what Amy and Luke have. I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up.”
“Shh. Shh. Take a deep breath. You need to calm down. You were a kid, Katherine. You can't blame yourself for what happened. And I don't want what Amy and Luke have. I want what we have.”
“I ruined everyone's lives that day. I ended my mother's. If I hadn't said anything, this wouldn't have happened.”
He pulled me tighter against him. He was not about to let me go. He wasn't about to let the cold take me. “Things happen. Accidents happen. You did what you thought was right. It was a tragic event, but you can't blame yourself. You just can’t.”
A blip of clarity dropped into my head, an instant where the tears stopped. “Why?” I muttered. “Why can't I blame myself? And don't say it's because I was a kid. It’s somebody’s fault. I knew that what I was doing was serious. Amy and I talked about it for weeks and weeks. But me and my fucked up sense of right and wrong just couldn't let it go. I couldn't let her drag us to his house anymore. I couldn't let her invite him over and pretend like everything was normal. It was so not normal.” I sobbed again and curled into him.
“It wasn't normal. And it wasn't right. You did the right thing. It just didn't turn out the way you thought it would.”
I was shaking again, even with the steadying force of Eamon's arms around me. “I was such a dumb kid. I thought she and Dad would stay together and work everything out. There was no way that was going to happen.”
Eamon blew out an exasperated breath. “Katherine, let me just tell you one more time. You can't judge yourself by what happened when you were ten. It's not fair. No one should be measured by their actions at that age. It's craziness.”
“Fiona could be measured by her actions at this age. She'd do great. She's so perfect.”
Eamon laughed, which had a profound effect on me. It began to lift me out of the bizarre fog I'd talked myself into. “She does seem pretty bloody perfect, doesn't she? I worry that means we're really in for it when she becomes a teenager.”
“She can’t see my heart. She told me that today.”
“What?”
“My heart. She said she can see everybody's heart, but she couldn't see mine. Do you think that means I'm a bad person?”
Eamon shook his head. “Come on. It's freezing out here. Let's got back to the house and talk about this.” He picked himself up off the ground and helped me to standing.
“Oh, man. My knee. I really fucked it up.”
“All the more reason to get back.” He put my arm around his shoulders and we started walking. The sun had set. All you could see were tiny glowing squares ahead, the windows of our house and the neighbors’.
“You didn't answer my question about Fiona seeing my heart.” We trudged along the narrow path, through the snow that was more compact now. I held on to Eamon with everything I had. I didn't want to let him go.
“It's a game she plays. I told her when she was little that she could see people's hearts because she was always a good judge of people.”
“She told me the story about the gardener.”
“Exactly. It doesn't mean she can really see them.”
“But she's still a good judge of character. Was that her way of telling me I'm a bad person?”
Eamon came to a stop and turned to me, pulling me into a firm embrace. “I don't know why she told you that, but I can tell you that she adores you. She's drawn to you. She wants to play with you and talk to you as much as she possibly can. She doesn't feel that way about bad people.”
I sucked in a deep breath. The icy air that had punished my lungs earlier was cleansing now. I'd told Eamon the gruesome tale and unlike every other person who’d heard it before him, he reined me in after it was said and done. He didn’t push me away. He held me closer.
“Thank you. Thank you for listening to me and putting up with my erratic behavior. I'm so sorry about this afternoon. It's not that I don't want to get married to you. I love you. I really, really do. And I don't want you to go anywhere. I'm just not ready. That's all. And I can't get engaged here, anyway. I don't want that moment to be tainted by old memories. Now you know why. Exactly why.”
He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Do you feel better now? Now that you've told me everything?”
