“I don't even know what that means. You wanted to get caught?”
Her eyes were pleading, as if she wanted mercy from me. “I was barely eighteen when I married your grandfather. My parents were so ready to be rid of me. They said I had too many ideas in my head. Things were different then. Your grandfather got to pursue his interests. But I was expected to stay home and have kids. He put everything he had into his work. I felt ignored.” She shook her head and blew out a deep breath. “So I strayed. But I only let your mother and Lucy meet the man because I was hoping they'd tell your grandfather. Of course, they never did. And I couldn't stomach the thought of what I was doing, so I called it off. Still, I let it go on for nearly two years. Long enough to make a real impression on those girls."
I glanced over at Eamon who seemed equally flabbergasted. “I had no idea, Grandma.”
“Of course you didn't. But that day at the hospital, all I could think about was that you'd actually had the nerve to go through with it. And look at what had happened. I'd lost my own daughter because of it. My granddaughters had lost their mother. I couldn't stand the thought of the example I'd set.”
“Nobody could've known what was going to happen that day. Nobody. It was a freak accident.” The words had erupted from my mouth, and just like that, I realized that I now truly believed what everyone had been saying to me for twenty years. Itwasan accident. A patch of ice in the wrong place. A scream at the wrong time.
She was crying now and although I didn't want to, I felt a duty to watch her process this. “Do you forgive me, Katherine? For that day at the hospital? I was out of my mind. Truly. And I couldn't see it. That's half of the reason your aunt Lucy didn't want me living with her. I couldn’t let it go and she couldn’t take the endless talk of her dead sister. It's really only been because of the endless hours I spend by myself in this place that I've been able to think some of it out.”
A person could get help from the unlikeliest of sources. “Of course I forgive you.” I said it as if it was of little consequence, but it was a big deal to me. I'd carried around the hurt from that day for a long time, but I was so tired of the weight of it. I wanted to send it back to the year it had happened and never see it again.
“Grandma, what did you think of Gordon?”
She shrugged. “She dated him in high school. I thought he was a loser then, but she apparently couldn't stay away from him. I never saw the appeal, but there's no accounting for taste. Sometimes you meet somebody and they're just the right person for you. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.”
I nodded, reminding myself that so much of this was so, incredibly simple. A chain of tiny events that when strung together, made for a tragedy. But that day could just be part of our lives. It didn't have to be everything.
“You really like this guy Amy is marrying?”
“I do. And believe me, I didn't want to. I have to say that I always felt like our family was cursed when it came to marriage. Amy and I had a pretty good run at being single, just the two of us. It seemed stupid to tempt fate.”
Eamon cleared his throat and when I turned back, he unleashed that pointed “you're so full of it” look. He was right. I was full of it. But I had a lot of it to get past. I was doing my best.
“Perfectly understandable,” Grandma said.
“Luke is very sweet to Amy, and kind. He loves her very much. I can see it on his face when he looks at her or talks about her.”
“Like the way this one looks at you?” She turned to Eamon. “How do you say your name again?”
“Aim-un.”
She nodded, but didn’t try to repeat it. “Katherine's grandfather used to look at me like that.”
And Eamon looked at me like that. I hoped he knew I was looking at him the same way.
“We had our problems,” she continued. “But it was only because I couldn't separate my need to love him and my need to be myself. That was always the battle. I think your mother was fighting that same thing. It takes a strong person to love someone and stay true to yourself. I hope your sister can do that.”
That was one of the most insightful, normal things I'd ever heard from a member of my family. “I think Amy will do great.”
“I suppose it's time to talk about the necklace, isn't it?”
A flicker of excitement appeared in my chest. I didn’t want to embrace any truly optimistic thoughts, but at least I hadn’t had to bring it up. “If you don't mind. It would make Amy so happy. It would make me so happy.”
“I’ll only get it for you if you promise to come back and see me again.”
“Really? You want me to visit?”
“Of course. You're my granddaughter.”
I wanted to smile and say that yes, of course, I'd love to come and visit, but there were things between us still unsaid. “I spent the last two decades feeling like I wasn't your granddaughter. I need you to know that. I understand why you said those things to me that day, and I forgive you, but they hurt me, deeply.” If I could never make peace with my mother, I could at least make peace with hers. “I needed your love all those years. Amy and I both needed you. It would have made our lives completely different to have had you in it.”
The hurt was plain in her eyes, and I felt bad for it. I truly did. But it also felt a hell of a lot better to stop taking all of the blame for every dysfunctional thing. Everyone needed to accept their share. “I made a lot of mistakes, Katherine. I'm hoping God can forgive me for some of them. Some day.” She reached out and took both of my hands. Her knuckles were large and bulging, her skin crepe-y and thin. Still, it was smooth and soft. They were a grandmother's hands. I'd never felt so thankful to hold them. “I loved you and your sister all those years. I really did. It was in my heart. Probably buried under everything else that kept it closed off. I'm sorry that you ever had to live a day not knowing that I loved you.”
“And I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you sooner. I shouldn't have let the years wear on forever.”
She patted my hand and let me go. “Your mother's jewelry is in a shoebox up on the shelf in the closet. Maybe your fella can get it down for me.”
