She fanned her hand back and forth between them. “Why is it that we can band together to fake a relationship, but we couldn’t make this work for real?”
His chest tightened. The thought had crossed his mind as well. “We talked about the break-up the night we went to dinner. I think I explained myself pretty well.”
“You did. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.” She drew in another deep breath as she scanned his face. “But sitting there with you in Georgia’s office, holding your hand, and looking into your eyes, and talking about the future… I got sucked in. It felt real. I started to think about what you said at the premiere. About trying again. And I thought that might be a good idea. That it might work.”
“But that’s good news.”
“And then I remembered that you don’t want a baby. And it all came crashing down around me.”
Their conversations had become like a boomerang—starting in the same place and always ending up exactly where they started. “I never said I was one hundred percent set on not wanting kids. I’m just not sure. They’re not the same thing.”
“Might as well be one hundred. It’s a child, Alec. Either I have a baby or I don’t. There’s no doing this part way.”
“Which is exactlywhyI’m not sure. I know what’s at stake.”
“How much of this is because of the job in news? Because you would make such an amazing dad.”
“Thank you. That’s sweet. And yes, the job in news is a huge part of it. I can’t be an absentee father. It’s not in my DNA.”
Brooklyn let out a quiet sigh. “I was ready to do this on my own. I’m still ready to do that. So if we could work things out, and you were busy, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Plus, look at me. I grew up without a dad and I turned out fine.”
It made Alec’s heart swell to know that Brooklyn was trying to make a case for them as a couple. Even when everything right now came with a big old “but”. “And my dad was everything to me. If I became a father, I’d have to be able to give it my all.” There was more to this, and Alec had to express it, even when he hadn’t fully wrapped his own head around it. “That’s the one thing he was holding out hope for. That I would become a dad, just like him. We talked about it. A bunch. And I wanted it, but in my mind, I was so damn sure that there was time. There wasn’t. And I’m still coming to terms with that.”
“You’re only forty-four. Thereisstill time. My doorman just told me the other day that he had his youngest when he was forty.”
“First off, you and your doorman talk way more than is normal.”
“I know. I adore him. I offered him a job. Did I tell you that?”
“A job?”
“Yes. As head of operations. He used to do the same job in the garment district. It’s a big part of my plan to shift gears at Posh Post. Slow things down a bit.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Although that news came with yet another “but”. She was moving ahead, right now. And he was still chasing his dream. Moving in a different direction. “Fatherhood is more than the number to me. When I said I thought I had time, I meant time to share it with my parents. Now they’re gone.” He heard the wobble in his voice, the pain rising to the surface, and he tried to do what his therapist had told him to do—experience it, acknowledge it, and accept it.
Brooklyn scanned his face, seeming helpless. “I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“I wish I felt as certain as you do about these life choices, but I don’t.” He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants as he weighed the pros and cons of what he was about to say. It would be so easy to hold back. Keep it all in. But that might end up being yet another lost opportunity. He was already living with regret. “But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try again with you. I do. I still love you, Brooklyn. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t, but I do.”
She swallowed hard, her eyes getting watery. “I tried to tell myself that I didn’t love you, too.”
It felt like his heart was going to explode. “I sense abut…”
“You sense it because it’s there. I love you, but every time we say that, it’s going to hurt a little more. We don’t want the same things right now. And we might never.”
“I understand.” It was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to say.
She wandered over to the couch and collapsed on it. “Let’s face it. You have a whole new level of conflict now. Georgia might be a pain in your ass, but she wants you to have this chance. She’s scrambling to make that happen. And your producer loves you. Georgia said it herself. You have every reason in the world to take this opportunity and run with it as fast as you can. Your dream might actually come true, Alec. That’s incredibly exciting.”
For as long as he’d had this ambition, being on the precipice of actually achieving it didn’t feel the way he’d hoped it would. There was no sense of impending triumph. No finish line to cross. “I’m trying to temper my optimism. I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”
“You’re so much more sensible than me. I’m the queen of getting ahead of myself. I live for it.”
Alec laughed quietly and sat next to her on the couch. She had this pull on him whenever they were close, and right now it was undeniable, but not in a physical way. They were connecting about the things that made it hard for them to connect, and it only made him want her more. How messed up was that? “But that’s one of the things I most admire about you. You aren’t afraid to dream big. This is the one time I’ve done that and it’s terrifying some days.”
She reached for his hand. “Try to enjoy the ride, okay?”
He focused on her left hand, where he’d once hoped to put the ring he’d impulsively purchased, hoping to fix everything that was broken inside him. “I’ll try.”
