Ugh,my heart hurts so deep for the boy he was. The pain that must have caused him, thisamazingguy. Pieces are starting to click into place about some of his mannerisms.
“It wasn’t until sixteen that we finally figured it out. Maybe if my parents had been more involved…” He shakes his head. “But no, it was a guidance counselor who had just moved to our town who caught the signs.”
He locks eyes with me. “I have ADHD.”
Yes, I had a sense this was where he was headed. “One of my best childhood friends from Boston does too. It’s so common.”
“Yeah.” He nods. “I think…I think if it’d been caught earlier, if I’d known sooner…it would have really helped me deal with some of my bad habits, like the apologizing. The negative things I say about myself. But between the drug issues and all of this…”
I put my free hand on his, just wanting him to know I’m listening.
“It’s almost like my default to take the blame for everything? To blame myself? I do catch it now that I’m an adult, but I haven’t quite figured out how to stop doing it.”
He pauses there, studying me like he’s searching for reassurance.
I squeeze his hand, wanting to give it. “Oh Rawley, I’m so glad you shared this.”
“I know it’s a lot.”
“It’s not. It’s just real.” He smiles weakly. “I guess the first thing I want to say is that you don’t ever have to be a certain way with me. Don’t feel like you need to hide parts of yourself, or anything like that. That includes apologizing—if it’s what comes out naturally in the moment, there’s nothing wrong with that, you know? Although, I’ve never seen you do anything youneedto apologize for.”
He shrugs, not looking fully convinced.
“The person I’m sitting with here, right now, on this bed—he’s wonderful. Exactly as he is. I just want you to know that.”
“Thanks.” I can tell he’s still weighing my words.
“I mean it. You’re funny, sweet, and quickly becoming one of my favorite people on the planet to spend time with.”
He grins a little. “It’s the orgasms.”
“Couldn’t resist that one, could you?”
His grin gets wider.
“Joking aside, I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. You deserved better growing up, and none of it should have been on a kid to figure out.”
He relaxes more, and his thumb strokes my fingers where our hands are connected.
“Anything I can do to help now, I’m so here. If you want to talk more, just vent, have me shower you with compliments?—”
He chuckles. “That last one, please.”
“Anytime. I can think of more than I’ve already said too. I haven’t even got to the football stuff. Look at how much you’ve accomplished already. It may be hard for you to see it, but you’re making a mark so young. And you’re juggling all the insane pressure and scrutiny we face on top of it so well.”
“Thanks.” He bites his lip but his smile holds. “We both know how hard you are to impress.”
This time when he gives clues he wants to lighten the mood, I follow his lead. Hopefully I’ve said enough to confirm that I’m here to support him.
“So I’ve been told. But you’ve managed to do it.” I kiss the side of his cheek to punctuate my words.
A beat of quiet follows, before he stands up and puts his coffee cup on the dresser. Turning back to me, he shifts the subject, signaling the serious conversation has passed.
“So, your first road trip as a starter? That’s cool.”
“It doesn’t change much. Maybe more boo’s from the opponents.”
“Fun.” His lightly sarcastic tone expresses what he really thinks.
