Fai
Ihad never really thought about how I would die. I knew it would come someday. In my mind, I would be old and withered, the wrinkles in my skin a map of the long life I had lived, my loved ones close at my side as I drifted away peacefully, surrounded by the quiet comfort of love and family.
The concept of death had always scared me. There was no way to know what came next. Heaven or hell? Would I simply cease to exist? Would I be reincarnated as someone new… something new? I had spent my life choosing not to think too deeply about it. It was easier that way. Safer.
Now that I was staring it down—the end of my life—I couldn't help but regret never having understood my own beliefs about what came next. Here I was, facing the unknown with no idea what awaited me. Would this be the end? Would I simply never exist again? Would I awake in heaven, waiting for those I had loved most? Or would I find myself in hell, atoning for the sins that had riddled my life?
There were worse ways to die. Dying to save the person you loved had to be the most honorable way to go. I would die knowing I had saved the most important person to me.
My aching body sank slowly but steadily to the riverbed. The water filled my nose, my eyes, my mouth. It was cold, almost soothing. Soon it would fill my lungs, my stomach, and the world would go dark.
I couldn't help but wonder again whether I would go to heaven or hell, if such places even existed. But I had already known heaven on earth. They were high above me now, finally, forever safe. My heaven on earth would live, and that was all that mattered.
The last thing I would see washer. Sarah. I held my eyes shut tightly, unwilling to forget the image of her chocolate brown skin, her long braids falling down her back, the small hints of gold in her eyes that were warmer than any flame.
I never thought about how I would die, but knowing she was safe was enough to make me forget the pain. Forget the cold of the water piercing my skin, taking every bit of heat I had. Forget the burning of my lungs as they fought to breathe, to suck in air. It made me forget about the pain of my body from both the fall and the rocky river bed battering every bone in my body.
It felt right to leave now. I didn’t want to die, I wanted nothing more to finally live. But at least I would die without regrets. I had done my best to fix my relationships, I had done my best to right my wrongs. I was never perfect, nor would I ever be.
I had caused pain. Been the source of heartache, and the cause of tears. But damn, did I love too. I loved with everything I had. With everything I was. The love I never received from my parents, I gave it tenfold to those around me. I had taken Jackie home on that cold fall night all those years ago because I remembered what it felt like to feel alone. To feel abandoned. I graduated high school, college, despite being on my own. I didn’teven know if I was a first generation college student, but I did it. I found the love of my life, the woman I was made for, the only person I would love and I had years with her. Years with joy, years with smiles, years with a family.
There was so much heartache and pain sprinkled through the years. But wasn’t that life? Would life be worth living if we didn’t have the hard to understand the good? There would be nothing to learn if there were no challenges, nothing to face if there were no fears. There would be no growth without mistakes. The years weren’t always kind to me, life feeling like it was suffocating me at times.
But that was life. And damned did I live.
I would wait for her. Wait while she lived a beautiful life, found more love, spread more joy. I would wait for her. For the rest of my life, for the rest of hers. I would wait for her for the rest of eternity, because in every lifetime, loving her would be inevitable.
I felt my mind begin to fade, the water no longer feeling cold, my lungs no longer burning for breath. My mind was slipping, but she was still there. Her joy, her love in every recess of my mind. She was so close in my heart, I could have sworn I could feel her. Her soft hand on my arm.
