All of it.
The worst part of all of it was: I didn’t want to cancel anything.
I didn’t want to give up René.
Or the classes.
Or Dominic.
Or the shoots.
Or Paris.
I wanted all of it.
I just didn’t know how to exist inside it.
There was no villain in my calendar.
Just me.
I dragged myself up the stairs to my apartment, bypassing the open invitation of Alix’s door, then David and Quan’s. Music spilled into the hallway along with laughter and the rich, unbearable smell of food that made my stomach twist.
Once inside my place, I just stood there—in the middle of a life I had asked for—without the first idea of how to live it without breaking something.
Maybe myself.
Chapter
Seventeen
RACHEL
Iwoke up far more tired than when I went to bed.
The burn of tears clouded my eyes and I shoved them back, already swinging my legs out from under the covers and heading for the shower like momentum alone might keep me upright. My body felt heavy in a way sleep hadn’t touched—like I’d been carrying something invisible all night and never set it down.
The weird soreness in my muscles reminded me of the one time I attempted a real marathon.
I’d made myself finish it.
One: I don’t quit.
Two: it was for charity.
Three: I’d actually trained for a year and wanted that mythical runner’s high everyone talked about.
What I got instead was a week of cramping, stiff, mutinous muscles and the kind of exhaustion that felt personal. I still walk-limped the last ten miles and crossed the finish line—not in the respectable middle of the pack, not even close.
But Ifinished.
Standing there now, waiting for the shower to warm up, I realized this felt exactly the same.
I wasn’t injured. I wasn’t failing. I was just trying to function on fuel that had already run out. Which meant, unfortunately, that I didn’t get to be dramatic about it. I just had to keep going. That meant get in the damn shower.
The water was too hot. I didn’t change it.
I stood there longer than necessary, letting it pound against my shoulders, trying to remember when the last time I’d woken up feeling rested actually was. Not justnot exhausted, but rested. The answer didn’t come.
