“Yeah,” she said, realizing that was true.
Debra had been treating this age gap between them as a thing that could get in the way of them making it work, but it could also workforthem. It might be that liking different things would give them more stuff to talk about rather than less. While she would never trade a single day she had with her wife and wished more than anything that she hadn’t lost her, Debra could admit that they were very similar. Obviously, they were the same age, but they also had a lot of things in common. They shared a favorite show, liked all the same movies, hated the same movies, had a band in common, and generally shared hobbies. Debra wouldn’t say that things had gotten boring overall, but there had been periods of time in their relationship when things hadn’t been exciting anymore, which was normal, of course, and happened with any couple after a period of time.
She did miss having things to do and talk about, though. Because they’d shared so many interests and hadn’t had many differences, they hadn’t had a lot to discuss outside of the basics,so one time, Debra had suggested that they each choose a hobby, and it would be something they’d do on their own or with friends and not with one another to give them something new to enjoy and relay to each other that hadn’t involved the other person. She had gone off and researched. Her wife had done the same. When they’d promptly returned to talk about the hobbies they’d decided to try, it had been the same hobby. They had laughed and done it anyway, but it hadn’t solved the bit of boredom that had crept into their relationship.
It was possible that with Sharon, she’d have some of the same and a little different, and Debra wasn’t sure how she felt about that because she didn’t know if it would change the feelings she had for her wife. If they’d been missing having differences and she could have those, along with everything else, with Sharon or someone else, did that mean that her wife wasn’t the love of her life how she thought?
“Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Sharon asked when they entered the bedroom and Debra closed the door behind them.
“Nothing. I was thinking about the songs I want to play for you.”
“That’s a lie,” Sharon said and put her hands on Debra’s shoulders. Then, she pushed Debra gently down to sit on the end of the bed and added, “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. Just don’t lie, babe.”
“Can I play you a song?”
“Yes, that’s why we’re here.”
She handed one of her Bluetooth headphones to Sharon, put the other in her ear, and when she found the song she wanted to play on her phone and pressed play,Have I Told You Latelyby Rod Stewart began playing.
Sharon looked up at her, probably waiting for Debra to tell her why she’d chosen this song.
“This was our song,” she said.
Sharon nodded.
“We used to say it around the house all the time.‘Have I told you lately?’And the other one would reply,‘That I love you.’It became so much a part of our relationship that we almost got tattoos one time when we’d gone to dinner for our anniversary and had a few too many drinks. There was a tattoo parlor down the street, and she’d convinced me to go. We walked in the door, heard the sound of the machine, and turned right around when we saw the facial expression of the person sitting in the chair. They were all scrunched up in pain. We laughed about it and went home.” Debra swallowed. “I haven’t listened to this song since she died.”
“No?” Sharon asked.
“I couldn’t.”
“Why now?”
“Because anyone I date has to know that she’ll always be a part of me. I’ll always love her. It won’t lessen the love I feel for someone else, but my love for her won’t go away, either. When we walked in here, I was thinking about what you said: that having differences could be good for us. And I think that’s true, but it made me think that my wife and I didn’t have many of those at all. We never did, and we grew together. It wasn’t the most exciting relationship in the world, and it wasn’t perfect – we fought at times, and it was boring sometimes, too – but I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything.”
“I’d never ask you to do that,” Sharon replied.
“But can you be okay knowing that I have this long history with her and that even though she’s gone, she’ll always be around somehow? Most of my memories are with her.”
“Can I promise you that I won’t get jealous? No,” Sharon answered. “Can I promise to tell you when Iam? I don’t even know that I can makethatpromise. I guess all I can say isthat you’re only forty-five, and people can live to be well over a hundred these days. If it’s not me, and it’s someone else, you could have the rest of your life with someone and form some new memories with them. You could end up being with them longer. I’m not saying that diminishes anything with your wife, because it doesn’t – nothing should or will – but if someone is scared away by the fact that you had a love and that love died, they’re not the right person for you. All I know right now is that I like you. Listening to this song with you and talking about her won’t scare me away, so if you want to keep talking about this song or play another one that meant something to you, her, or both of you, that’s okay. I want to listen.”
“I might cry if I do that.”
“That’s okay, too,” Sharon replied and took her hand in both of her own. “If we’re doing this, we’rereallydoing it. I don’t want halfway. I don’t want you to hold part of yourself back because you’re worried about how I’ll feel talking about your wife, and I want to be able to be myself with you, too, and tell you things or cry if I need to.”
“I want that,” Debra replied.
“Okay. Then, tell me more about this song. You’re listening to it for the first time in a long time. How does it feel?”
“It hurts,” she shared. “But it also feels good in a way, listening to it with you.”
“Want to start it over and just listen to it? We don’t have to talk through it. We can lie down, and I’ll hold you.”
“That actually sounds really nice,” she said with a smile.
Debra wasn’t sure how she had gotten so lucky. Sharon seemed to know just what to say and do, and she knew what Debra needed without her having to mention it.
Sharon moved first until her head was back against the pillow, and she held her arm out, silently asking Debra to join her. Debra did and placed her head on Sharon’s chest. Herphone was moved to Sharon’s stomach, and she pressed the screen to start the song over again.
