But what else am I supposed to do?
I set my bag down on my new bed and look around at the space I’m going to be living in, already missing my room at Mike’s house. The window had a view, and the man I love was right down the hall.
“It’s not much,” Ryan says from behind me, still a little awkward. We haven’t spoken in over a month, after our fight at the gym, but he came through when it mattered, so I can try to forgive him for the stuff he said.
“It’s fine.” I turn around with what I hope is a neutral expression. “I really don’t want to have to go back to Nate’s.”
“Yeah, for sure.” Ryan nods, leaning against his desk, towering over it. He looks bigger than I remember. “You can stay as long as you need.”
“I appreciate it.”
“You hungry?” he asks, pushing off the desk. “I think I got some Lunchables in the fridge. Maybe some peanut butter, but you’ll have to get some bread from the kitchen if you want a sandwich.”
I let out a breath, glad that he’s not making it awkward. Maybe he says the wrong thing sometimes, but he grew up in a town an hour away, not all that different from Rosehill. And when it came down to it, he let me in, even knowing I had a thing with Mike.
That’s more than I can say for most people.
Maybe I’ve been a little too hard on him.
“I’m okay,” I say, sitting down on my bed. I am hungry, but my stomach hasn’t stopped hurting since I left Mike for good.
Ryan sighs, crossing the small room to sit beside me. He doesn’t talk at first, putting his elbows on his knees, looking down at the floor between us.“Um.” He pauses. “What happened with—”
So much for not making it awkward.
“Can we not talk about him?” I cut him off before he says his name. “Please,” I add, because Iambegging and I want him to understand that.
“Yeah.” He nods, quickly. “Of course. No problem.”
The room settles into an uncomfortable silence. Somewhere down the hall, people are laughing without a care in the world. They way you should be in college. I look at my hands in my lap, thinking maybe Nate’s house doesn’t sound so bad.
At least I wouldn’t have to answer questions about him.
I moved out of Mike’s house with absolute certainty that it was going to feel like this. I took a piece of my heart, and I gave it up. I know it was for the best. Mike deserves better than whatever shitty piece of me I have left to give.
But I’m losing all of him, and I’m not sure that’s something I can recover from.
“Hey.”
I look up.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan says. “For what I said.”
I don’t say anything.
“It was out of line,” he continues anyway. “I was being a judgmental asshole, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
He means it. I can tell he means it. I could tell when he let me move in with him after mythingwith Mike ended, and he didn’t say I told you so.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I forgive you.”
The next thing he does, I don’t see coming at all. Literally. I’m looking down at my hands, at the nail I picked too low while I was waiting for Mike to go to class so I could leave for good. And then, there are arms around me, and Ryan’s cologne is choking me and—
My whole body locks up.
