I love him.
Chapter 18
Iris and I stay in the car while Nate goes to see Dad.
He doesn’t say anything about it this year. Things with Dad have gotten monumentally worse since Nate married Iris. He was always Dad’s favorite. Probably because he did everything when we were growing up.
But now, Dad hates him almost as much as he hates me.
Nate’s still trying, though.
I don’t think he’ll ever stop searching for the better version of that man, even if it kills him. Me, on the other hand? I sit in the cold truck and look at the run-down house and feel nothing for him.
Mike: Hi miss you :)
Alex: Miss you too. Especially right now. I’m currently sitting in my dad’s driveway.
Mike: ew why??
Alex: Nate’s being sentimental since it’s Christmas
Mike: I’m sorry baby :( are you okay?
I look up at the house, and then at Iris scrolling through Instagram unbothered, even though Nate’s probably in there getting yelled at over marrying her for the tenth time this year.
I feel like I shouldn’t be okay, but all I can think about is Mike calling me baby again.
Alex: Surprisingly, yeah. How are you doing?
Mike: All good! Zara’s here we’re making cookies
Alex: Save me some! I’ll call you tonight.
He sends back a thumbs up and a heart, and I pocket my phone when Nate gets back into the car with a sigh.
I’ve managed to work up some semblance of excitement by the time we get to Ben’s house. The kids come running toward us the moment we get into the house.
I always miss them.
I never have any time to visit anymore. If I could bring Mike, my brain tries to remind me, but I shut that down.
I can’t.
The whole family is already in their usual places, guys drinking in the kitchen, the girls gathered around the babies. It’s all so familiar, it warms my heart.
I’m lucky to have this.
Mike would love it too.
He’d be on the floor with the kids, talking about video games with Noah and letting Sammy and Margot climb all over him. He’d make everybody laugh. He’d drink with the guys and probably hang out with the girls, too, because he can fit in anywhere.
He’d bring his guitar, and everyone would go quiet because you have to when Mike plays.
Nate and Iris liked him that day I moved in. I’m not sure Nate would if he knew what we were to each other.
At dinner, I’m quiet, looking down at my plate of uneaten food.
The thing is, I thought I would be out by now. I’ve known I was gay since I was old enough to have those sorts of thoughts. It was always there. Something I would deal with when I got older.
