Sure, the parties got fewer and further between because he knew I didn’t like them. And the hooking up with strangers became us fucking non-stop.
But everything else started to go away, too.
I lie in bed at night, staring at his side, trying to figure out what happened. What I missed. Whether it was the Christmas I turned down or if something happened while I was gone that I don’t know about.
Maybe he got tired of me and decided to go back to his actual life.
The thing I don’t understand is that he still comes to bed. I go to bed alone. I fall asleep by myself. But every morning, his side is warm when I reach for it, like he made sure he was gone before I could wake up.
I don’t know what that means and it’s killing me.
This morning, I wake up at seven and reach for him before I’m aware enough to remember he’s mad at me. I can’t help it. I do it every morning and it never gets more depressing.
But this time, something is different.
It’s cold.
Different from how it feels when he got up early. This is the kind of cold that means nobody was there. The pillow where it was last night. My comforter is still covering the other side of the bed.
He wouldn’t.
Would he?
No. Mike cares about me. Maybe even loves me. We’ll work through whatever he’s upset about. He wouldn’t. I don’t even let myself think it.
I stare at the ceiling for a long time before I pick up my phone.
I skip Mike’s name at this point, scrolling straight past it until I get to Zara’s contact. We’ve hung out a few more times since the day they all came over, and she’s actually starting to become a friend. Hopefully, that still stands with whatever is going on between us.
Alex: Hey, is Mike there with you?
I watch the screen until her response comes, five minutes later.
Zara: No, why? Is everything okay?
Alex: He didn’t come home last night.
I sit up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. This time, she’s typing for a lot longer than necessary for the text that comes.
Zara: Oh
Zara: I think he went home with a girl from the bar last night. I’m sorry sweetie :(
My stomach drops.
I read it twice.
I read it three more times.
Mike went home with a girl from the bar. Of course he did. That’s who Mike is. That’s who Mike has always been. He sleeps withanyone. I knew that. We never said anything different, never made any agreement, never put words to whatever this was.
I can hear a voice in my head that sounds like Mike, from the first time I walked into a party I wasn’t expecting.“Dude, don’t you know who I am?”
I thought I did.
But maybe it was nothing.
Maybe I don’t mean anything to him.
