“Oh, that’s real noble.” His voice twists into something mean. “You think Nate’s gonna throw you a parade? You think he’s gonna be okay with his kid brother taking it up the ass?”
I keep my face calm, not letting him see how his words affect me. “I think he might surprise me.”
“And what about me, huh? You don’t think he’s gonna have questions?”
“I won’t say anything about you. I would never—”
“He’s not stupid, Alex.”
“So what?” I challenge. “I spend my whole life pretending to be something I’m not? You want me to do that forever?”
He doesn’t answer.
“I’m eighteen,” I say, and my voice cracks, and I hate it, but fuck, I’m sad that this conversation is going this way. Part of me hoped he would be okay with it, but I see now that I was being naive. “I can’t spend my whole life ashamed of who I am because you’re scared.”
Something changes in his face.
By now, I know what Jason looks like when he’s angry. I know what it looks like when he’s working himself up and what it looks like right before he lets his fists take over.
I don’t know what this is.
“You’re not telling him, and that’s the end of this conversation.”
I shake my head. “I can’t do this anymore.” The words come out before I’ve decided to say them, but once they’re out, I know I mean them.
I’ve known for a long time.
Maybe since he took my virginity and never considered that I might want him to hold me after. Maybe since he left me waiting all night on Halloween and fucked me with someone else still on his dick.
Maybe since the first time he hit me.
“What did you say?”
“I’m breaking up with you.” My voice shakes, but I don’t take it back, even when he takes a step forward. “This isn’t healthy, Jason. I think you need to spend some time alone and think about what you really want, and then maybe—”
“You’re not breaking up with me.”
“I am.” I take a step back. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you want. But I can’t keep hurting myself for you. I deserve better than that.”
He stares at me, the vein still popping out in the parking lot lights.
I keep talking because if I stop, I’m scared I’ll listen to him, and I know now, without a doubt in my mind, that I’m doing the right thing.
“I’m not going to say anything about you. I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide. But I can’t stay in this. I can’t keep being your secret and letting you—” My voice catches. “I’ll always care about you, Jason. But this is over.”
“You’re not leaving me,” he says, and his voice sounds different. Darker. He steps forward until my shoulders connect with the brick wall of the school. “You think you can do that? After everything?”
“Please, don’t.”
“After everything I’ve risked for you?” His voice rises as he gets closer to my face. I close my eyes, leaning back as much as possible, but I can’t go anywhere with his body pinning me. “Do you have any idea what I’ve put on the line?”
“I know. And I’m sorry—”
“You’re sorry.” He laughs. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. “You’re sorry. You think that does anything?”
“Jason, please.”
The first punch catches me off guard, snapping my head back into the wall, making my vision white out. I grab the wall to stay upright, but he doesn’t give me time to recover.
