“I’m so sorry,” I finally tell her. “Iris, I’m so sorry for what I said.”
“Hey.” Her arms tighten around me. “It’s okay. None of that matters, now.”
“No, I mean it.” I look up at her because I’m not sweeping this under the rug. I was a fucking asshole. “I knew it was wrong the second I said it and—”
“Alex.” Her voice is always gentle with me, but it still brokers no argument. “I forgive you. I forgave you that night. Got it?” I lie back down and nod while she hugs me tighter.
“We’ve been trying to reach you for weeks,” she says, softer now. “Everyone’s been so worried.”
“I know.”
“What’s going on?” She says it like there’s no wrong answer, and I know with Iris, there’s not. That’s why I called her. She knows what happened to me more than anyone. She sat there with me in the police station and listened to me tell them what happened that night, and never brought it up again.
She’s the one person in my family that I trust to accept me completely.
And I can’t lie anymore.
“I’ve been seeing Mike,” I force myself to admit. “We’ve been sleeping together for months.”
“Do you love him?” She asks, her hand never pausing on my back.
“Yeah,” I tell her, even saying it out loud feels like pressing on the bruise that is my heart. “I really do.”
“Okay,” she says, nodding. “That sounds like a good thing. What’s the problem?”
“I ruined it,” I tell her, fresh tears spilling down my cheeks. “I ruined everything, and I don’t know if he’s going to forgive me.” I pause to meet her eyes. “I’m not okay. I know I’m supposed to be by now, but I’m not.”
Iris sniffles, hugging me tighter. “There isn’t a timeline for this kind of thing, Alex. What happened to you was terrible. No one expects you to be better overnight.”
“I’ve been trying to— I thought Iwasgetting better.” I sit up, feeling better now that I’ve gotten that part out. Iris nods, and I have to look down at my lap for the next part. “But then Mike started wanting more.”
“What does more mean?”
“He doesn’t want us to be a secret,” I say to my fingers. “He told me he’s not going to do it. So.” I let out a breath. “That’s it.”
Iris is quiet, long enough that I look up to find her frowning. “Why is that it?”
“I’m not someone he can tell people about. Who can hold his hand in public and go on dates. I couldn’t even let him fuck me—” I shake my head, my cheeks heating up when I realize I said that out loud. “He deserves someone who can do that.”
She shakes her head. “Hey, no. That’s not true.”
I shrug, picking at my thumb. “Yes, it is.”
“No onedeservesyour body, Alex. What you’re willing to do is foryouto decide, and if he isn’t okay with that, he’s not the person for you. You know that.”
“Yeah, maybe in theory, but—”
“No buts.” I nod because I know she’s right, but it still doesn’t make it suck any less.
“As for the other stuff—” She takes my hand, holding it in hers, so I look up. “I don’t see what the problem is.”
That actually makes me laugh. “Come on. Can you imagine what Nate would say?”
“What do you think he would say?”
“He would hate me.”
“Alex,” she says, almost chiding. “Nate wouldn’t hate you.”
