Until I fall asleep.
When I wake up again at three in the morning, it’s an emergency.
I open the door slowly, in case he’s still awake. I know he doesn’t sleep well alone. But when I start out into the hallway—
I almost walk right into him.
Mike is curled up in a ball with his head against the door, an inch away from my door. He’s wearing my shirt, and his face is blotchy, like he cried himself to sleep.
I look down at him, and I don’t know what I expected to feel. Dread? The panic that’s been living inside of me since that night. I was sure that when I saw him, it wouldn’t feel the same, and part of me was terrified of that.
The feelings from before never come.
I just love him.
I still can’t give him what he needs. I’m still broken. Nothing about our situation has changed.
But the love is still there.
My bladder sends me down the hall, into the bathroom. The entire time I’m gone, I’m convinced I’ll come back and he’ll be awake, standing in the hallway with questions, and I’ll have to explain because I won’t be able to lie to him.
But when I come back, he’s exactly where I left him.
His arms have come up around himself, wrapped tight across his chest, and even in the dark of the hallway, I can see goosebumps along his forearm where his sleeves stop at his elbows.
He’s cold.
I go back into my room as quietly as I can, and grab the blanket from the foot of my bed that I’ve had since I was a kid. The softest one I own. Mike likes it even more than I do.
I carry it back out into the hall and crouch down in front of him. He stays perfectly still as I settle it over his shoulders and tuck it around his arms so he’s completely covered.
He pulls the blanket tighter around himself without waking, his body settling under the warmth. His head turns to bury his face in it. The closest thing he has to comfort right now.
He’s asleep on the floor outside my door because I locked it, and this is the best thing he can get. He’d rather be cold out here than alone.
I hate myself right now.
I did this to him. He can’t even find comfort in someone else while I’m around. As much as it kills me to acknowledge, I can’t keep doing this to him.
I have to let him go.
This isn’t the first time that thought has arrived these last few days, but this time, I let it sink in fully, and I accept it for what it is.
I have to move out.
Mike
Two weeks ago
Being at the bar before it’s filled with people, and the noise moves in and covers everything else, is sort of eerie.
Feels like something you shouldn’t be able to see.
I drop my guitar case down onto the makeshift stage and pull my guitar over my head, tuning the strings while Damon sets up his kit behind me.
Zara is already plugged in and ready a few feet away, her hair sticking up in two buns on top of her head, scrolling through something on her phone.
And it wouldn’t be a Chaos Riot practice if we weren’t waiting around forhis majesty,Trent, to show up.
