Thaddeus watched Ziggy circle a few times before settling, then asked, “How old is he?”
I ran a hand down Ziggy’s long back, and he wriggled in delight. “Seven. We got him as a pup.”
Thaddeus’s eyes flashed to mine. “We?”
I smiled at his curiosity. “Yes, we. He was actually James’s dog. James always wanted a miniature dachshund.”
“But not you?” Thaddeus pressed, clearly eager for more information about my ex. When I rolled my eyes, he shrugged. “Come on. I cooked dinner. That deserves at least the highlights... or lowlights, as the case may be. I’m tired of my own sad, tragic story, whichyouhappen to know, by the way. Humour me a little.”
I stared at the blackening landscape for a moment, then swung my chair around to better face him. “Fine. James Carnegie Lomas was his name.”
Thaddeus blinked. “Wow. And I thought my name was a mouthful.”
“Indeed.” I suppressed a smile and began picking at the label on my bottle as I talked. “James Lomas. Model-worthy looks, life of the party, funny, and with an up-and-coming business as a virtual personal assistant to some famous-in-New Zealand clients.”
Thaddeus pulled a face. “I hate him already. What is a virtual PA?”
I chuckled. “He worked via his computer rather than in person and did a lot of behind-the-scenes organising involving travel and accommodation, any bookings the person might need, welcome hampers in hotels, and all that stuff. It was cheaper for his clients than employing a full-time PA. Some have both. And don’t hate him. He was a nice guy, if a little self-involved—no, make that a lot self-involved.” I hesitated. “And, similar to your experience, he apparently wasn’t as into me as I was him.”
“His loss,” Thaddeus sympathised. “But I notice you spoke of his job in the past. What happened?”
I hesitated.Am I really going to do this? I guess I am.“James and I had been dating a little over a year when the opportunity to purchase the lease on the cottage came up. We’d been talking about moving in together for a while, even marriage at some point down the track, the whole shebang.”
“Sounds serious.”
I nodded. “I thought it was. And initially, James was fully behind my dreams for this place, including the decision to start my own landscaping business. Up until then, I’d been working for somebody else. But I don’t think he truly understood the long hours I’d need to put in—six days a week and ten to twelve-hour days. Or the seclusion and loneliness of living up here. Our social lives shrank to almost nothing, and James began spending moreand more time jetting all over New Zealand to meet with his clients. On the other hand, I loved the isolation here. I’d found my happy place, and I had no desire to move.”
“Shocker.” Thaddeus tipped his beer bottle my way, and I gave a snort of amusement.
“True. But I knew James was unhappy,” I admitted. “I just didn’t want to deal with it. I kept hoping he’d come around.”
Thaddeus’s expression grew serious. “He didn’t, I take it?”
“No, he did not.” I spun the bottle in my hand. “James never talked much about his feelings. It made him uncomfortable. He was gregarious but not reflective, if you get what I mean. Anyhow, one day I came home to find he’d simply packed up and gone. There was a note on the table to say he’d accepted a full-time PA role with a rising Scandinavian pop star and was moving to Sweden.”
Thaddeus gaped. “Sweden? You’re shitting me.”
“Nope.” I fought the lump back down my throat. “If I’d had the balls to follow my gut and raise the issue with him earlier, we might’ve parted on better terms. He called me from the airport two weeks later, before he flew out. It was the first time I’d heard from him since he left. He apologised, kind of, but I was still too angry to even try and understand.” I hesitated, remembering all the good times we’d shared. “It might sound crazy, but I still miss him... as a friend, if nothing else.” The truth of my words hit like a punch to my chest. I’d spent seven years hating James for blowing up our lives, and it was the first time I’d admitted aloud how much I actually missed him.
Thaddeus reached over and squeezed my hand. “If he wasn’t happy living up here, then he had a responsibility to tell you. You’re not a mind reader, Ryder. Maybe you didn’t want your suspicions confirmed, but ultimately, his decision was on him, not you. And this from an expert in the art of conflict avoidance. I hate it. I ran too, remember? So, I kind of understand whatdrove him. That’s why I’m here, after all. I don’t want to face what’s waiting for me back in Wellington. All the snide comments and sideways looks... and my mother.” He groaned. “God help me, my mother.”
I considered him for a moment. “But you sat in front of a freaking bulldozer this morning. That’s hardly conflict avoidance.”
Thaddeus practically beamed. “Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” His smile faded. “But there’s facing down a bulldozer, and then there’s my mother.” He released my hand and fell back on his chair. “I love that woman to bits, but she lives her life terrified of shadows. My being gay raises old fears rooted in the stigma and violence she witnessed as a kid growing up in Serbia. It was a fear that never quite left either of my parents. She’s convinced that I won’t be safe from the homophobic world until I’m coupled up. That way, someone else can take care of me, and she doesn’t have to worry. Like I’m not enough of a man to take care of myself.”
I groaned because the story wasn’t new. Thaddeus wasn’t the first slightly built gay kid to suffer those assumptions. For some people, gay and weak were synonymous. But hearing it from your own mother had to be hard.
“Thaddeus Grey doesn’t sound very Serbian,” I observed.
Thaddeus chuckled. “It’s not. My parents, especially my mum, were pretty big on blending in and hiding your differences. Before I was born, Dad changed our last name from Sivak to Grey. It’s not an exact translation at all, but he figured it was close enough. Then my mother named me the most English name she could come up with. Her reading slash English group was ploughing through Mortal Engines at the time.”
I laughed, but then added in a more serious tone, “It’s actually pretty sad they felt they couldn’t be who they truly were.”
Thaddeus shrugged. “I’m not sure if things have changed that much, to be honest. I love our Serbian heritage, and I’ve thought about changing my last name back, but I’m nervous about Mum’s reaction. I don’t want to upset her. People always fear what they don’t know, right? Just like Mum thinking I need someone to take care of me.”
I sympathised. “You hear that enough, and you can begin to believe it. It fucks with your head.”
Thaddeus blinked, his eyes suspiciously shiny in the pool of light streaming from the family room. “Yeah, it does.” He took a slug of beer and stared out at the dark garden.
