“But I lost the bet,” I protested.
Thaddeus shot me a wicked grin. “I’m sure we can come to some arrangement in kind.”
“Deal.” I kissed him on the cheek and headed for the bedroom.
Tap considered my overly careful gait and gave a visible shudder. “I’m not even going to ask.”
Twenty minutes later, after we’d cleaned our plates, Thaddeus walked us to the front door and waved us off. We ran through the rain and clambered into the ute, soaking wet.
“Fuck this weather.” Tap brushed the water from the front of his jacket. “We’ll look and smell like drowned sewer rats by the time we get those diversion pipes in place.” He turned to face me across the console and pointed to the front porch. “And justso you know, that right there was horrifyingly domestic. You two are cute as fuck together.”
When all I did was smile, Tap studied me a moment longer, then added, “I sure hope you know what you’re doing, Ry. From what I just witnessed, this isn’t just an opportunistic fuck anymore. Not for either of you.”
I met his troubled gaze and nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“And he’s still going home.”
“I know that too.”
Tap waited, then shook his head. “This is the part where you tell me that you’ve talked about it and you have a plan for seeing each other after he’s gone.”
My gaze slid back to the house. “We haven’t talked. Not yet.”
Tap groaned. “Jesus, Ry. You have to at least talk to the guy. If you tell anyone, especially Will, I’ll deny I ever said this, but you really need to tell Thad how you feel. That you really like him. Talk to him, for fuck’s sake. Don’t mess this up.”
I patted Tap’s thigh. “But that’s why I have you. To catch me when I fuck up and it all comes tumbling down.”
Tap rested his hand atop mine and squeezed. “I’m getting too old for this, Ry.”
I threw the ute into drive and then caught his eye. “Yeah, me too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
THADDEUS
As soon asRyder and Tap disappeared around the corner of the garage, I closed the front door and leaned against it. For seven days, I’d been determined to tell Ryder about my company, the Elosand software contract, and how very fucked up I felt about both since I’d met him. And seven days in a row, I’d chickened out.
I’d stopped working on the contract proposal the day after our swim. I couldn’t face Ryder on the sofa each night, knowing that every keystroke I made was contributing to another nail in the coffin of the cottage and his life. I was in way too deep, and I couldn’t pretend it didn’t matter anymore, thathedidn’t matter anymore, or that this, whatever we were doing, was only a temporary blip on my radar.
That ship had sailed a week back, and now it seemed nothing more than mercenary, ignorant, and hurtful. I felt like two different men. The man I was before Ryder and the man I was becoming after. I couldn’t believe I’d bought my own lies. No matter what pain I’d been going through, or whatever shallowexcuses I’d tried to give myself, I felt truly ashamed for maybe the first time in my life.
I headed back to the kitchen, pulled a face at the sheeting rain, and began to tidy up. As I worked, I mulled over my time at the cottage. I was fucking things up because I was terrified I’d lose any chance I had with Ryder when he knew the truth. I also knew that with every passing day, the likelihood of that happening had been growing exponentially until I’d reached the point where I felt paralysed to do anything at all. I needed to get back to Wellington, but I couldn’t leave without Ryder knowing the truth.
It had to change, and it had to change today.
Somehow, in a little under three weeks, fresh out of a break-up, I’d fallen for a guy I had no business wanting. Not just fallen for but falling in love with. But a relationship with Ryder had very real consequences that I couldn’t ignore. If I did, it would put the two of us at odds and we wouldn’t survive. It was as simple as that. If I continued with the Elosand contract, I’d be saying goodbye to Ryder, no question about it. It would be like cutting out his heart. A betrayal of what he held dear.
Ryder would never forgive me, and rightly so. If for no other reason than I’d be doing it not for any strongly held belief, but because I wanted to fuck over my best friend and save a company I wasn’t even sure I really wanted anymore.
I’d spent seven days chewing my nails and sleeping with Ryder, trying to decide if what was happening between us was enough to force a total rethink of what the fuck I was doing with my life. Then it had struck me in the shower that morning as I was rinsing the soap from Ryder’s beautiful body, that all those questions were just another way of lying to myself... again.
I’d been blaming Ryder for the need to make a decision. Blaming how I felt about him and how I didn’t want to hurthim. As if, without Ryder in my life, there’d be no need for any decision at all and I could simply continue on my merry way.
There was, of course, Ryder to consider. But the truth was much more complicated. Before I’d decided to submit a bid, I’d thoroughly researched Elosand as a company, or at least the software development side. But over the last few days, I’d expanded that research into data storage centres as a whole, their ethos and footprint, and it didn’t read well.
Using the Bellbird River as a water source for cooling would have a dramatic effect on its flow. I wasn’t sure if even Ryder understood exactly how much. Coolant water couldn’t be released back into the environment without significant and costly treatment, and nothing in the public information I’d read addressed that issue.
The software I’d been working on was targeted at the most efficient and cost-effective use of that coolant water, not its recycling or lack thereof. And so I’d been ploughing ahead, ignorant of anything but my own tiny piece of the puzzle, excited by the challenge, the complexity, and the hefty financial reward, but ignorant of the rest.
