I stepped back to lean against the glass, not sure I could hold myself up if there were any more confessions. “Go ahead.”
Thaddeus took a long, slow breath. “You’ve every right to be furious with me.”
I scoffed, “Ya think?”
Thaddeus wiped his eyes, swallowed hard, and I tried not to let how truly miserable he looked get to me, or wonder ifhis obvious distress might signal something important. Every instinct in my body told me to take him in my arms. That maybe there was a good reason for what he’d done. That maybe we would get through this. That maybe the whole thing wasn’t as fucked up as it felt. That everything would work itself out if we just talked it through. The trouble was, I wasn’t convinced that it would.
For whatever reason, Thaddeus hadn’t been truthful when it really started to matter. Forget about the first week. Forget about that one hook-up, which had felt anything but a hook-up. Those didn’t matter. But after the swim. After we started sleeping and living together like we really meant something to each other.Thenit mattered.
“I should’ve told you a lot sooner,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper, the look in those beautiful tawny eyes pleading for me to just give him a chance. “I don’t have an excuse, and I wouldn’t patronise you by offering one. I could’ve told you on that first day and every day since. Yes, I’m an emotional mess. And yes, I’m a coward. But you invited me into your home and I should’ve come clean right then. I’m not sure that evenIfully understand why I didn’t, but I’ll try and explain.”
“Knock yourself out.” I drew a shuddering breath and waited.
Looking more than a little unsteady on his feet, Thaddeus moved to the sofa and perched on its arm. A few seconds passed before he began again. “Driving up here that night was nothing more than a fluke. In the middle of the storm, my chaotic brain saw a road name I recognised, and I decided to head there. I was looking for a quiet spot to sleep in my car. That’s it. There was nothing nefarious. No lies. Nothing.”
“Except for the part where you didn’t tell me why you recognised the road,” I pointed out.
“Yeah. Except for that,” Thaddeus admitted, his cheeks a fiery red. “Initially, I didn’t tell you about the company orthe apartment because I didn’t expect to be here more than a night or two. Not to mention, I was embarrassed that a grown man, with everything going for him and a ton of options at his disposal, had simply run away when life got hard. It was easier to let you think I couldn’t go back because I either had nowhere to stay or no job to return to. I might not have actually said those words, but that’s no excuse.”
I tried not to feel sympathy, but it was hard. I shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, then gave up completely and collapsed in the armchair opposite him.
“I couldn’t work with Phillip again,” Thaddeus continued in a dull monotone. “And I seriously doubted he’d agree to leave. That left me to either buy him out for a no doubt exorbitant price, which kind of felt like rewarding him for his fuckery, or sell my share in the company, which I really didn’t want to do. And I believed I needed the contract with Elosand to achieve either of the objectives.”
“Believed?” I picked up on his use of past tense. “As in, you don’t now?”
Thaddeus shrugged, his gaze sliding to his lap where he picked at a thread on his jeans. “Let’s just say, the longer I stayed, the less important the money became. Not because I don’t need it, but because I refuse to sell my soul for it.” He looked up, directly into my eyes. “I stopped working on that bid almost a week ago, Ryder. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just hadn’t figured out how to tell you everything without losing you.”
For a second, my heart leapt in my chest.
Thaddeus’s eyes glittered in the light, his cheeks damp. He wiped them dry. “I really, really don’t want to lose you. I know it’s crazy after such a short time together, but I really like you, Ryder, andthat’swhat’s been stopping me from telling you. I knew I’d made a huge mistake in not owning up sooner, but thenwe started being... well... more... and I was terrified of fucking that up.”
“But you did anyway,” I reminded him.
He sighed. “Yeah, I know. This last week has been the best week of my life. I’m not the same guy who slept in your shed. You, this cottage, the river, all of it has changed me. I had my lawyer send the buyout offer to Phillip because I’d decided to sell and do something different with my skills. That’s why Phillip was here, to complain about the figure I’d quoted him. I’m done, Ryder. Done with it all. And I was going to tell you everything tonight.”
Silence filled the room, but Thaddeus didn’t look away. His gaze was fixed on mine, his expression earnest, pleading. He desperately wanted me to believe him, and the truth was, I wanted that too.
Iwantedto afford him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the chance to see if we truly had something to build on. I wanted it so fucking much, I could barely stand it. But that persistent niggle of doubt lingered in my chest, holding me back. A voice that questioned exactly what sort of relationship could be built on such a precarious foundation of half-truths. If Thaddeus could run scared about being honest with something so important, what else might send him running?
And when it came down to it, Thaddeus was a city boy, after all. There was no way I could survive in his world, so he’d need to want to live in mine. I could risk opening my heart only to find the same problem slap me in the face as had happened with James. Hell, even my internet connection was dodgy at times. How on earth would a screen jockey cope with that? We were different in so many ways. Maybe too many.
Maybe this had been a good thing.
Maybe I’d needed to take a step back.
I stood and wiped my hands down the front of my jeans. Thaddeus’s hot eyes followed my every move. When I looked up and locked eyes, his gutted expression told me he knew exactly what was coming.
I tried not to let it affect me, but my fucking heart was breaking as I said, “I can’t simply ignore what you did, even if I truly, truly want to. Your lack of honesty about your involvement in something you knew damn well would rip my heart out completely baffles me. You knew, and yet you kept working on it, under my roof and in my bed, even if only for a short time. You say that you stopped, and I believe you.” I hesitated. “I think.”
The impact of my uncertainty was hard to miss in Thaddeus’s eyes. He looked devastated.
I forced myself to continue. “But I can’t simply pretend it doesn’t matter, and that’s the problem. I’m not sure where that leaves us, but for now, I think you should go.”
Thaddeus’s whole body caved inward around itself, and he sucked in a loud gulp of air. “I’m sorry, Ryder. I totally get it, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
I instinctively leaned forward to drag him into my arms, desperate to comfort him. To comfort myself. I hated seeing him like this. Hated feeling like I did. Hated every fucking thing that had brought us to this moment.
But I held fast to my resolve and took a deep breath. “I’m going to work in the greenhouse. I’ll give you enough time to organise a ride to pick you up. With the resources you so clearly have, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.” It was a cheap jab, and I regretted it the moment it left my lips. I walked to the bifold door, opened it, and passed through. Then I turned to Thaddeus for one last look.
