She went on, ‘My father made me feel like a failure because I wasn’t a son. I want more for my child…children. I want them to feel wanted and cared for by two parents. Cherished. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.’
‘Your mother didn’t make you feel loved?’
Poppy shrugged, avoiding Caius’s eye now. ‘She was humiliated by my father’s rejection of her. I was a reminder of that. She moved on, married a rich businessman.’
She looked at Caius then, feeling a strong urge to make sure he knew she wasn’t having a pity party. ‘Look, I know our lives are very different from everyone else’s and we have immense privilege, and I know there are no such things as fairy tales, but it’s not a fairy tale to ask for a parent who cares.’
Caius said a little gruffly, ‘Maybe we were just supremely unlucky with our parents.’
‘You said your parents hated one another?’
He nodded. ‘They argued all the time. My sister and I were classic examples of an heir and a spare—they had no interest in having more children. I tried to shield Cassie as much as I could from their never- ending drama but I’m not sure it worked. She’s a people pleaser as a result, and hates conflict.’
‘And you?’
He looked at her and said sardonically, ‘Maybe that’s the answer to your original question.’
Was he saying he was conflict avoidant? By avoiding relationships? She could understand that. She was rejection avoidant. But she was afraid she wasn’t doing a very good job because sitting here talking to Caius properly for the first time was far too…easy. He wasn’t at all what she’d expected.
‘My sentiments haven’t really changed, Poppy. I’m happy to take responsibility for my child and agree that five years is a decent amount of time to invest in giving them a secure beginning…and I’ll be happy to work out an arrangement to be in their lives, but they’ll be better off with you as a primary carer.’
‘I didn’t have good role models either, but I know I’ll do everything in my power to nurture and love this child.’ There was something very bleak about Caius’s pronouncement.
‘You’ll be a good mother, Poppy. I would have been lucky to have you as my Queen of Sadat Sur Mer, but I think your instincts were right all along. I’m not the right partner for you in the long term.’
Poppy felt a rush of warmth that he thought she’d be a good mother. But then it fizzled when she registered the rest of what he’d said. He was agreeing with her. Ironic, now that they were married and having a child together.
But it was as if he’d written himself off a long time ago. After all, she’d heard him describe exactly what kind of a marriage he was willing to settle for. An arrangement where each spouse pretty much lived independently of the other, apart from duties.
Curious, she asked, ‘Do you really think it’s not possible to have something more? A real enduring committed partnership?’ She wasn’t going to expose herself by asking him if he believed in love when he clearly didn’t and when the mere thought of being that vulnerable with another person made Poppy feel a little dizzy.
‘Maybe that’s the best one can hope for. And respect. The minute emotion comes into it, it turns into something toxic and volatile.’ He looked at her. ‘You’re a romantic.’
Poppy sat up straight. ‘Not at all.’ But her betraying heart beat faster. ‘I’m under no illusions about love, any more than you are.’
‘It’s not for me, but if it came along for you… I’d let you go.’
Something inside Poppy twisted. Would she let Caius go if he fell in love? For all of his talk, no man was an island and maybe when they were on the other side of their honeymoon and the baby was born and he still couldn’t connect with the idea of a child, who was to say he might not finally meet someone who could crack him open and make him change his mind?
Unsettled by how that made her feel and not wanting to give Caius an inkling of what she was thinking, she gathered up the plates to bring over to the sink, but Caius put a hand on hers and immediately little shocks travelled up her arm.
‘Leave them, I’ll do it.’ He took them from her and put them back down.
‘You can wash too?’ She sounded too sharp.
‘I can stack a dishwasher.’
She felt gauche all of a sudden. She’d never navigated this situation. She’d never had a lover. Or a husband.
Hating the vulnerability she felt, she still had to ask, ‘What are we doing here…? What is this?’
Caius drained his wine glass and put it down. He reached for Poppy’s hand and linked their fingers. It felt shockingly intimate.
‘We’re doing what every other newly-wed couple on honeymoon are doing.’
Poppy rolled her eyes. ‘Yes, but we’re not every other newly-wed couple, are we?’
‘Why worry about categorising it? Why not just enjoy it while it lasts?’
