The doctor left, a nurse appeared to make sure Poppy was comfortable and the panic was receding. She looked at Caius and realised he was as pale and stricken-looking as she felt.
This evidence that Caius was affected too made Poppy feel emotional. For so long she’d felt on her own, with no one who could share her experience. And she was glad it was Caius. She couldn’t help but feel an affinity with him now that she knew so much more about his past.
‘Caius, it’s OK, the baby is OK.’
He came over and took her hand, shaking his head. ‘I’m so sorry, this is my fault.’
‘How is it your fault?’
‘The sex… I never thought that it could do harm. It was selfish.’
Poppy’s mouth opened and shut and then she said, ‘It wasn’t your fault or mine. It’s just a little irritation.’
He took his hand away, his voice heavy with self-recrimination. ‘I could have harmed the baby.’
Poppy curled her hand to a fist as if trying to hang onto his warmth. ‘No, you couldn’t have. Sex during pregnancy is quite normal. The doctor said it was probably just a burst blood vessel!’
He looked at her and his eyes were haunted. ‘When I make love to you I forget about everything…maybe I was too rough.’
Poppy’s heart turned over. ‘You weren’t too rough. I was there too, remember? It’s the same for me.’
He shook his head. ‘I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to the baby.’
Poppy felt both gladdened at the evidence he cared, but also a little ashamed to admit to feeling bereft because obviously she wanted him to care about the baby but she also wanted him to care about her, too.
‘She’s fine, Caius. You should go and get some rest. I’ll be OK.’
He was emphatic. ‘No way, I’m staying here.’ Poppy remonstrated with him but he was determined.
Eventually she fell asleep with Caius in the bigger chair in the corner of the room, watching her as if she were a parcel that might explode at any moment.
When she woke up next, she saw that Caius was asleep in the chair, head at an awkward angle. He was wearing sweats and a T-shirt. She realised he’d pulled on odd sneakers. And that was when she could no longer stop the surge of emotion. More emotion than she’d felt in her life because she’d spent her whole life damping it down after learning no one wanted her emotion, or love. Not her father and not her mother.
But here, with dawn rising outside and no one else around, Poppy couldn’t stop it. She was in love with Caius and all the lessons of her lifetime had come to naught, because she’d just put herself in the worst harm’s way when she would suffer the rejection coming her way because Caius didn’t feel anything for her.
And she went cold all over to think of how she’d almost exposed herself spectacularly—buoyed up from the evening and the club and everything, she’d actually asked him if there was any possibility they could make it work together…
And he’d looked at her.‘Did I give you the impression that I wanted more?’No. He had not. She’d just hoped…but clearly any sense of intimacy she’d felt yesterday evening had been rooted purely in the physical. All he’d been concerned with was getting her back into bed.
When she’d expressed she’d like to go clubbing again, he’d very pointedly not included himself in future excursions. She’d noticed that too.
The message was loud and clear. He didn’t want emotional involvement. And she got it, he’d been through his own family trauma. Except he’d obviously learnt not to let any vulnerability in. Something she’d failed at.
But maybe where his daugher was concerned, he could love her. And if he did, then Poppy couldn’t be selfish and ask for love for her too. If her child could grow up loved by two parents, even if they weren’t together, then that would be more than she could hope for. More than she or Caius had had.
At that moment Caius woke up and those eyes seemed to pierce all the way through her. He jumped up. ‘Are you OK?’
Her heart ached. ‘I’m fine. I just woke up.’
‘I’ll get the doctor.’
Poppy opened her mouth to protest but he was gone already. This side of attentive, caring Caius was seriously seductive but she had to remember that it was for the baby’s sake. Not hers.
The doctor came into the room. ‘Well, how did we sleep?’
‘Caius, I can walk, you know,’ Poppy huffed as Caius scooped her up into his arms from the dining table. They’d been back in the apartment for a week, having been advised to take it easy for a couple of weeks. But there was no indication that anything more sinister was going on. Much to Poppy’s relief.
‘I’m not taking any chances,’ Caius said as he carried her from the dining room up the stairs. A nurse had visited each day to check Poppy and take vitals, et cetera, but Caius had been on hand every moment, hovering like a mother hen, bringing Poppy food, drinks, books, magazines.
