“You would’ve been good at this,” I say softly when Eve and I are alone for a moment.
“Oh, but what a beast he is,” she says. “I mean…he’s quite gorgeous.”
Something possessive rises up inside of me. “He’s not a beast,” I say. “And I don’t think he ever killed anyone.”
“You don’t?” Eve asks.
I watch her to see if that makes her…regret her choice. If she’ll regret choosing Marcus over the king. She doesn’t seem to, at all.
“Lilith, is he good to you?”
“He’s…” I try to find the words for Lucian. I barely know him, and yet…he has told me so much about himself. I’ve shared with him. He built me the bookshelves. He wants to know my favorite food. He’s obsessed with me eating, with pleasing me in certain fashions.
I’m in a situation I chose, even though the circumstances were narrow, and I felt a little like a lab rat in a maze. Like I had options, but they were dead ends. Or ends that resulted with one of the other rats being unhappy, anyway.
“He’s good to me,” I say. “I think… I think he might even be kind in his way.”
Eve’s eyes are shining. “Do you like him?”
“I…” I have no idea how to answer the question. I find him infuriating. He is bound and determined to own me. To prevent me from realizing my dreams. He is also the most compelling, magnetic man that I have ever known. But there’s nothing easy about him. Nothing half so pastoral as simpleliking.
“Have you slept with him?”
Eve is extremely keen on the question, and I feel heat wash through my body.
“No,” I say.
Eve makes a comedically dramatic expression. “That is a pity. Because he looks like he’s good forthat.”
I have so many questions, since this is the prevailing opinion of the two women I’ve talked to who have actual sexual experience when it comes to Lucian.
I know that when I look at him, it makes me feel hot. I know that his touch sets off a chain reaction inside me I can’t control.
But I don’t knowwhy.
I need one of these women with sexual experience to give me some actual details.
After that, I am passed around the room, introduced to more people than I can count. And Lucian is across the room from me, but I can’t seem to get to him. To cross this wave of people. Then, I lose track of my sister, even, and I’m just left out there to drown in the social ocean. I swallow hard, and slip back to the edge of the room. The crowd of people folds in, and for a moment, nobody’s looking at me.
Nothing has prepared me for this.
None of the skills that I’ve cultivated.
I take my opportunity, and sneak out. There’s a door to the garden, and I melt away, invisible. That’s something that I’m good at. The studious one. The bookish one. I’m good at not being seen.
Except, in all this gold, with the butterflies in my hair, I am much more conspicuous than I’ve ever been.
Belonging to Lucian, I’m much more conspicuous than I have ever been.
I swallow hard, walking away from the palace. I don’t even know where I’m going. The evening is warm, and my hair is heavy on the back of my neck. The breeze smells of gardenia, jasmine and other glorious flowers. I can’t see, but I know they’re there. The moon is full, the sky scattered full of stars. I close my eyes and allow the warm breeze to filter across my skin. I allow myself a moment of tranquility.
A moment to remember who I am.
Except, even that moment doesn’t really help. Because less than a week ago, I was university-bound, and I had never experienced feelings even half as conflicting as the ones I felt tonight. A strange kind of possessiveness for a man who’s holding me captive. Jealousy. The feeling of being the center of attention. All of these things are as far removed from the me that I know as any stranger could be.
There is a hedge maze, and I dip inside, wandering through the twists and turns before I find a stone bench. I sit down, and put my hand on my chest. Feel my heart beating.
I know who I am.
